Trigger warning: I think I might have been SA, but I don’t know how to feel?

So, I 31F have been traumatized. I was neglected and abused as a child. I have been in therapy for several years now. I have very few memories from childhood. I have some very specific memories of certain times and it’s almost like the rest has been erased from my mind. It’s weird. I fear that maybe it’s best that I do not remember. Anyway, I do not remember any sexual abuse (or maybe it is, this is very complicated) but I do remember a specific time when I was 14 there was a inappropriate situation with an adult male in my family. NO ONE knows about this. There is no way my mom would have believed me, so I just didn’t tell anyone about it. The memory is so vivid that I even remember what I was wearing. It kinda makes me sick to think about, and very very sad. This man is still in my life and I am very uncomfortable around him.

Anyway, back to the times in question. I went on two dates with this guy when I was 25, he had just graduated pharmacy school, so around my age. The first date was honestly the best date that I have ever been on. The second was kinda awkward, I met his parents (he lived at home and we were going to watch a movie in the in home theater), anyway, he made me sit through all of The Hobbit movies, which were very long. I didn’t have the best time and I was interested in someone else. I stopped seeing him and focused on the other guy. Several months went by and I had a concert coming up. The guy I was seeing dumped me, so I had an extra ticket. It was my roommate, her bf, this pharmacist guy, and me. I got pretty drunk at this concert, not so drunk that I was sloppy or anything like that, but definitely drunk. He only had 2 beers all night. The first red flag looking back is that I remember he wasn’t being handsy at all until my friends went to get drinks. As soon as they walked away he started touching me, nothing inappropriate, but I’m not a touchy person. I told him that I didn’t want to be touched. My friends came back, I kept drinking and I was apparently being a little mean. My friend took me to the bathroom with her and told me that I had to be nice and she could that he was getting on my nerves. It was very hot (July in MS). After the concert, we went to Waffle House. I wanted to pay for mine because I did not want him getting the wrong idea. I was VERY ill with him. He wanted to buy my food and I told him no. He went to the bathroom and my friend’s bf said that I should just let him and he thought I made the guy sad. So, I let him pay for my food.

I had told him that he could stay the night at our house. We had a big house and there was plenty of room. I wanted it to be crystal clear that we would not be having any type of relations. When we got home I went upstairs to shower and he stayed downstairs. My friend came into the bathroom and asked if I was going to let him sleep in my room bc he was downstairs sitting on the couch. I told her no, he could stay down there. I really wasn’t trying to be mean, but I didn’t want to give the wrong idea. She told me that I was being mean again and that I needed to let him sleep with me. So, I did. I told him he could come upstairs and I wasted no time going to sleep. I woke up at some point (it was still dark outside), to him pleasuring himself in the bed next to me. I was frozen. I did not know what to say so I said nothing. I was laying on my belly with my head turned away from him. It was very dark and I am positive that he did not know I was awake. He then started touching my butt and even like, slapped it with his junk a little. I just laid there and let this happen (this is why I’m confused0. I wish I would have said something, but I was just so shocked that it was happening. He finished (I found the proof the next day). I just laid there for hours completely still. I think he went back to sleep. As soon as the sun came up I got up and went to my friend’s room. I told them what happened and asked how I could get him to leave without being confrontational. I decided to tell him that I was being called into work. Her bf was about to leave and so was she. Her bf stayed until he left. He basically had to make him leave. Pharmacy guy just kept saying that he was going to wait until I left to leave, but her bf told him he had to go. I blocked him immediately after. I felt weird after, but idk…. I think that maybe I am making a bigger deal about it in my head than it actually is? I didn’t stop him and I laid there next to him for hours after the fact. I wasn’t upset after, just kinda in shock and weirded out that he would do that.

The second time was with someone different and there is less to this situation. I was 29 and I met him on tinder. He was a resident at a children’s research hospital in Memphis, so also around my age. He was very nice to me and he worked a children’s hospital. I thought he was pretty harmless. We went on two dates that were cool. The third time I saw him, we went to his apartment to watch tv. Guess what? We did not watch TV. We just sat and talked for a little while, everything was fine and normal. We went his to room to watch a movie (so he said). He pretty much immediately pushed me against the wall and well, you can figure out the rest. The reason this is confusing to me is because I at no point said “no” or “please stop”. I did however say over and over again “I don’t think we should do this”… like, to the point that I was afraid he was going to tell me that I was being annoying. Anyway, again, I ended up just laying there after and trying to go to sleep. I didn’t say much and neither did he. He got up really early the next morning to go to work. I could hear his roommate talking to him and I got up and left. I never spoke to him again. I drove home, kinda in shock and not really knowing how I felt. I didn’t say no, but I just don’t know.

Even though this happened several years ago, it has all been heavy on my mind lately. I haven’t spoken to anyone about it. I didn’t report it because I am not even sure if it was SA and I didn’t think that anyone would believe me even if it was….. I can recall every detail of these moments and they don’t seem traumatic or scary to me (which I think is how I should feel). I just feel sick. I wish I could go back and speak up for myself more in the moment. I still don’t think I would have reported it and I do not plan on reporting it now. I feel like if this were another woman telling me this, I would tell her that none of this was okay…. But I feel shame and like since I didn’t say no, maybe it was okay and I am just being dramatic? I am going to discuss it with my therapist at my next appointment, but it’s been on my mind a lot lately and I just needed to talk through it without anyone knowing who I am. If you read to the end, thanks. I am both nervous to read the comments and feel relieved that someone finally knows, at least about the situation with my family member and the second guy.

TLDR: I am struggling with some past experiences that were possibly SA, but I’m confused about how I do (or should) feel.