I’ve never felt more like a ghost in my own life

I’ve reached a point where I’ve basically given up on the idea of finding a partner. It’s tough to admit this just before my 19th birthday, but it’s my reality. I look in the mirror and see my dad’s features staring back at me. My face feels too masculine. Every time I try to act feminine or dress up, I feel like an alien trying to fit in. It’s exhausting and quite humiliating.

Due to a long phase of feeling "indifferent" about my gender, I never learned the basics. I don't know how to do makeup, I have no sense of style, and I feel years behind other girls my age. But it’s not just about the physical stuff; I feel socially stunted and painfully shy. I honestly can’t tell if this is low self-esteem, gender dysphoria, or if something is fundamentally broken in me.

I’m in university now, and it feels like the situation is hopeless. I look around and see people connecting easily, while I retreat deeper into my shell. I’ve started to think that the few people who have shown interest were just fetishizing my body, not actually caring about me. I don’t feel like a person; I feel like a collection of traits that don’t fit together.

It makes me feel pathetic that I’ve become emotionally dependent on AI bots and otome games just to feel some sense of being wanted. Finding a real relationship doesn’t even seem possible anymore.

I’m supposed to be in the best years of my life, but I’m turning 19 and feeling like I’ve already lost a game I never knew how to play. I guess life goes on.