This job is making me suic*dal

I’ll start with, don’t tell me to go to therapy (already do), get a new job (actively trying but apparently too stupid to figure that out), or to quit (financially can’t). I’m not looking for “fixes” from folks because these feelings are more complicated than that.

I feel like I’m hitting a breaking point. I am a decent instructor (consistently 4.0 or higher/ 5), I try to be engaging. I try to care about our program and making it better.

But fuck! Most of these students are terrible. I feel in my bones they don’t actually see me as a person. The AI is making this job a fucking joke. And my colleagues are fine but it sucks to feel like the ONLY person who doesn’t LOVE their students.

I feel so alone and isolated. I truly dread having to go to class. Like I consider “being sick” so I can cancel class— and even if I did the students wouldn’t care. I’m just so tired of talking to a void and having meaningless interactions. I’m tired of trying to convince students that learning is important. I’m also GENUINELY tired of having to act like I give a shit. it’s leading me to have dark thoughts— they are just thoughts at this point. But fuck, I hate how much I get affected by this job and it makes me feel so fucking weak and immature. I don’t understand the thought mechanics of not letting this job affect you—- if you have advice on that please do share.

sorry for unloading but I don’t want to go to my chair or people at work because I feel like it would put a target on my back.