Music. Long post

Note: please don't debate music here. Even with my love for it I am of the opinion that instruments are haram. Please don't be harsh or mean either. I've literally posted here because people are more gentle and forgiving lol. Like I can't take anymore.

I'm tired of having the same anxiety about the same thing over and over again. I love music. It's not an exaggeration. It's fun. It makes me happy.

But I keep worrying about halal and haram.

Every time I listen to music now I feel guilty but I can't make myself want to quit it.

I've been playing piano for 5 years I think and I'm just starting to unlock the full range of stuff I can do with it. But I can't keep dealing with the anxiety this brings to my life because of Islam.

I've thought about doing music therapy for disabled kids and still playing my own stuff on the side so that I can funnel it into something good but I don't know if I'll like doing music therapy so it's kinda unstable to hang my hopes on.

I don't have a support hobby. One I can rely on once music is gone. Writing has its own issues (feels like writing within the bounds of Islam is very restrictive so you can't get much out of it). Tatreez too. I feel like I'm going crazy every time I want to embroider a bunny.

My parents are saying I don't have to take action right now. That my tastes can naturally grow and evolve over time. That I can stop liking music on my own without this catastrophising and worrying I'm doing now.

But what if I don't and I die obsessed with it?

I talked to my sister about the same issue and she said maybe if you are more and more religious You'll find it easier to quit? It's true I believe but don't do my obligations.

But I don't know about this one.

I don't know whether to leave it be or keep mentally picking at it, because this is not helping me move away from music just making me more miserable.

Like guise. Listen. I have never felt true passion till I did music. If I wasn't Muslim I'd probably be a musician.

Otherwise my life feels dull and empty. And I'm not ready to handle another heap of misery on top of the one I'm doing right now.

I'm in college (UK) and assignments aren't ending. I'm sacrificing a lot of my time to turn them in on the right time and I don't do fun stuff I don't have the energy.

And speaking of musicians, I've had musicians in my family. A lot of them. They all stopped music at some point so that gives me hope and depresses me at the same time lol.

Guise. Literally when chatgpt said I have no joy I my life I broke down. because I don't I really don't. Other than good ol' music, that is.

So yeah what do I do.

Do I get religious and let myself evolve and like maybe quit it or do I make a choice to quit it?