Passive Ideation

I think the most painful part of my life are the parts where I sit for days and hours inside of the part of my head that wants me to kill myself, and the other part not letting me kill myself. Since I was 9 years old, through my adolescence, I'm 18 now, I've wanted to die. I see my life going nowhere. I hate my life, I hate myself, I hate my family. I'm in pain. I haven't even made a serious attempt on my life; no one knows how badly I've wanted to die my whole life. I want this barrier that's holding me back to be gone in me, so I can finally end this pain for myself