I hope it's okay for me to post here

My names Kai, I'm agender, and 28years old. I have struggled immensely my entire life to put it bluntly, and a few years ago the two very close friends I do have both were diagnosed with Autism. These were people I heavily related to and that I shared so many experiences with, and it started my journey into coming to terms with the fact that I might be Autistic as well. I had brought it up to my therapist at the time, and we had agreed that a lot of my symptoms matched up, and she was willing to put in a referral. It's been two years since then, and I have a new therapist who I feel like understands me very well, and I feel like it has been such an eye opening experience to feel like I'm not crazy. For so long I figured there was something wrong with me, that I wasn't trying hard enough, that I just needed to be normal, that if I just fixed myself then suddenly things wouldn't be so difficult anymore, and it almost killed me. It felt like such a relief to feel like something made so much sense to me, and the more I read about other people's experiences the closer and more understood I felt.

This morning I got the phone call to schedule the initial appointment, and I'm terrified.

There is such a deep pit in my stomach, and a pain in my chest. I feel like I'm on the edge of being crushed, like every step I've taken forward will have meant nothing, and I'll have to start over again. I know logically the accommodations I've made to help myself don't have to change, that if it's genuinely benefiting my life it's okay to need help, or to need more support. But I can't help but think, what if I'm not Autistic? Then what? What am I? I have to go back to this weird inbetween of feeling ostracized and just feeling so far away from other people. I already feel like such an imposter, and I'm just so scared. I hope it's okay for me to share my feelings here, and if you've read this, thank you.