Falling for an engaged woman.

I won’t act on this. I won’t flirt, I won’t cross any lines, I won’t try to turn this into something it shouldn’t be. It’s almost 5 a.m. and I can’t sleep, so I’m writing this instead. I’m sorry if it sounds pathetic. I just don’t know where else to put these feelings.

We met two months ago in an online game we still play every day. From the beginning, she was different. She’s kind in a way that feels effortless. Being around her makes me want to be better. For the first time, I feel like someone sees the good in me and gently pulls it to the surface.

My whole life I’ve had a “dark” sense of humor. I know that sounds cringe, but I don’t really know how else to say it. I joke about messed-up things, I swear too much, and I kind of hide behind it. She doesn’t like it, and she doesn’t like when I swear either. But instead of being mean about it, she’s made me realize how bad I can actually get sometimes. She’s brought light into parts of me I didn’t even realize needed it. I’m grateful for that in a way I don’t know how to explain.

She’s deeply Catholic. Her faith means everything to her. I’m not religious, and I don’t know if I ever will be. That difference alone feels like a wall I shouldn’t even think about trying to climb.

In just a few months, she’s done more for me than anyone I’ve dated before. She calls me every day. On weeknights we play together; on weekends we’ll stay on call for hours. She checks on me. She listens. She actually engages in my interests, my hobbies, my favorite games. She’s there for all of it. I’ve always been ridiculed by previous partners for the things I like, made to feel childish or stupid for the way I spend my time. But she’s never judged me in any way. She accepts me as I am, even with my shitty interests or my bad routine.

I also deal with a mental disorder. I won’t name it, but it’s bad. It’s something that’s affected my relationships before. Past partners have mocked me for it, minimized it, or acted like it was a burden they had to tolerate. But she doesn’t. She doesn’t make me feel broken. She doesn’t make me feel like I’m too much to handle. She’s patient. She’s gentle. And I know that if I needed her, really needed her, she would be there. No hesitation. She makes me feel safe in a way I’m not used to.

And that’s what makes this so hard. I love that about her, and I feel so guilty for loving it the way I do. I shouldn’t feel this way.

I know she isn’t doing any of this with bad intentions. I don’t want there to be any. I don’t want her to sin. I don’t want her to betray anyone. I hate infidelity. The thought of being part of that makes my stomach turn.

And that’s why this hurts so much.

She’s beautiful, not just in the obvious way, but in the way she carries herself, the way she believes, the way she loves. She’s engaged. Her fiancé is in another country, working to build a future for them. And here I am, feeling things I never meant to feel.

I didn’t want this. I didn’t try for this. I wish I could switch it off. Instead, I’m lying awake before sunrise, feeling grateful that she’s in my life and ashamed that my heart doesn’t know its place.

I don’t want to be this person. I just wish I had met her under different circumstances, or not fallen at all.

I'm sorry to her, her fiancé and anyone who reads this, I understand if none of you sympathize with me at all, I just had to let this out somewhere. I'm sorry.