NSFW I need help understanding how to be in the bedroom

I might add a TW since it's about processing my gender and I am not sure if that's too much.

I have always struggled with sex. I guess it's tied into alot. I have only realised I am trans this past year. I've always known, I told my mum when I was 14 that I might of been trans but I sort of, blanked it out. She didn;t react well. So I forgot. I was abused as a kid (i won't get into it) so I assumed I was sexually complicated because of that. I could only watch gay porn but I would cry to it basically (yikes) and I couldn't masturbate. I was in a heyeronormatice relationship and I felt so disgusting all of the time. I knew i never felt right and my mental health was in a state but I never clicked. So till about now, I thought i was broken and couldn't cum and possibly ace.

Then in the past year it's like I 'remembered' I am trans. It's really weird. I am with an NB partner so they're open minded to it. But I still struggle in the bedroom. Everyhting becomes about gender in my head. If I bottom, I can't enjoy it because I am hyperconsious of my body. If I top, I feel like I am lacking in some obvious equipment. I can cum now but only if I can imagine having certain anatomy and topping. I forgot how grossed out I was by own until this passed year and it's hard to leave the house because I feel alien. The weird thing is that when I imagine this stuff, I feel really gross again and I cry for hours. My partner and I can't have sex really because it affects me mentally. They don't really know though. Being trans for them is simple. For me, it's made me angry and like I don't work right. And I can't like, change it. Has anyone experienced this? I don't know what to do about it.