Can someone just talk to me?

Its just. I don’t how to say. I had multiple plans to end my life in the past week or two. My psychiatrist and psychologist recommended me to admit myself into the hospital. I am not doing that, for context I live in Hungary and I have been there 1,5 months last year, got out like 3 months ago. Cannot live this way, just jumping in and out of the psych ward. I have been treated for the past 8 years, I am 23 now btw and for all those years I wanted nothing else consistently, but for this life to end. To be a memory of what good people saw in me. I have stayed, not to traumatize my surroundings, but nothing else. I have nowhere to grab that holds me. The thought that I was suffocating in the womb and was born with a c section just makes me even more mad, I should have died there. I should have never been. Over the years basically every medication they can possibly use on me was tested and I had every diagnosis inder the sun, I still have like 7 collecting them like infinity stones. I am here in body, but not really present, I feel nothing towards this world and life, but I know taking mine would ruin others. I feel trapped.