How do you grow past contempt for others?

Hi all. I'm 29(F) and I'm currently going through... a re-assessment of my values and relationships as an adult? Would love advice from someone who's much older and has lived through life.

I never really had a lot of friends growing up so I always felt lucky whenever anybody stuck to me and made me feel loved in any capacity. That got me into a bunch of weird dynamics in my relationships, an 8 year long relationship with an ex, etc. I also didn't exactly have present parents. They provided shelter and food but no emotional support and my dad was an extremely abusive alcoholic towards me and my mom. Eventually we left, and my mom also went through a blender after that. The point is that I never had the luxury of feeling like I was able to carefully select who I allowed into my life, but instead I always felt grateful whenever someone wanted to be in my life. I'm almost 30 now and I'm ditching a lot of the relationships I've had for most of my life.

I broke up with my best friend of 15 years because.. she just wasn't a good person. She was a good person towards me but I saw the way she treated those around her and she was just terrible. I also broke up with my bf of 8 years because I knew at my core that he also wasn't a good person. They both just benefited a lot from having someone like me in their life, someone who couldn't put any boundaries and firmly believed that you would do anything for anyone you loved. With time passing after both of the breakups I actually realized they were also terrible towards me lol but just in disguise. ANYWAY- I'm pretty good at discerning people's intentions now and judging them by their character and not necessarily the words they use to flatter me.

My question is this- is it fair to put people through all of these filters? Am I losing the gift of humanity? For example- I have a cousin who is a functioning TRAINWRECK. She parties a lot and has a very unstable life, in her mid 30s and just barely a functional adult. I also am 90% sure she is an alcoholic. I guess there isn't necessarily anything wrong with her lifestyle, since she makes it work for her, but it's just not something I want around myself. Am I being too judgmental? At the end of the day, I feel we're all human beings genuinely trying our best. My cousin is a great person in her own ways, as well- and she loves me unconditionally- but even that is something I don't really want (or benefit from) because I don't think I would do something to ever put her in a position where she may cut me off? She consistently puts herself in situations that are emotionally overwhelming for her and I feel like I constantly have to regulate her emotions, or listen to the mistakes she makes. in my head I'm thinking wow, maybe you shouldn't do this because it will lead to that.

I have another friend whom I recently rekindled with. We had a great time in our youth with both of our boyfriends, etc. When we reconnected, we bonded over our breakups a lot and I thought it was fine because we were both going through that. But it's been a few months now and all she does is talk about her ex-bf and how he dogged her. Which, to be fair, he did- but there were also so many signs that he just wasn't a good person and she continued to show up. I just keep thinking- isn't there more to life to a man who dogged you in your 20s? I keep telling myself that she'll eventually snap out of it and I just have to be patient because she is going through a shitty phase in her life.

Am I an asshole for not wanting to deal with the emotional turmoil of the people that I have created bonds with? Do I have commitment issues? Do I only want the good sides of people and not the annoying neediness? I'm constantly asking myself if I'm a good person for feeling this. I genuinely love my cousin- but how can I continue to build a relationship with her when I genuinely find her insufferable? Do i just compartmentalize those aspects of the relationship? But then I feel like I'm not being authentic to myself.... Idk. A part of me feels like I'm being too judgmental and I will end up alone in my late life because I never wanted to deal with people's hardness. LASTLY, I do want to note that I don't go to people when I need help (be it emotionally or financially). I have a huge hyper independence problem and I guess maybe I project it on to others and get annoyed when they can't figure their shit out on their own.

Sorry that it's so long but I'm genuinely confused. Also therapy just hasn't worked. I'm sure there are good therapists out there but I've been through 4 different therapists and it's exhausting to start over. Maybe when I'm older and can afford the better ones LOL