im exhausted of my bsf

so… we’ve been friends for over 7 years. she’s my best friend. and she has a lot of mental health issues (i’m sorry if i’m not wording this right, english isn’t my first language). she has depression, anxiety, severe self-image and body issues, really low self-esteem, parental trauma, and even CPTSD. a lot of this comes from her mother and the men she keeps getting involved with.

before anyone says “therapy”....in my country therapy is VERY VERY expensive, and finding a good therapist is even rarer. we do have a free therapist at our university and she goes there… sometimes.

somewhere along the way, i became her therapist. her emotional regulator. her crisis manager. her moral compass. her damage control. and i’m just… exhausted. like SO exhausted. deep-in-my-bones exhausted.

i love her to death. i want her to get better. i want to always be there for her. and the thing is.... she doesn’t really have anyone else. she’s suicidal too. so how do you walk away from that? how do you “set boundaries” when the person you love might not survive without you?

my entire social life, my friend circle, my “masters era”… all of it has revolved around her. and i can’t leave her. i can’t abandon her. she’s my best friend who’s already going through so much...i can’t add to that pain. but sometimes… i imagine getting a job in another city or even another country. just being away. and then i immediately feel like a horrible person for even thinking that.

she’s become extremely dependent on my advice and my opinions. and it genuinely feels like i’m living her life. i carry the consequences emotionally even when she makes impulsive decisions after not following my advice because of triggers. and honestly, that hurts more than anything else.

but that’s not even the biggest problem.

she has issues with people in our uni friend group. one guy is her ex. one girl has given her a million anxiety attacks. one guy blamed her for “exposing” him to someone (who he was gossiping about.. lol she always finds herself in such weird situations....) . one girl… i don’t even know, but according to my best friend that girl definitely has a problem with her. some of these people don’t even go to our uni anymore, but they’re still part of the group.

so now it feels like every single friendship i have… every social interaction… has to go through her lens. i can’t form my own opinions about people. i can’t just… like someone normally. i’m constantly measuring everyone’s words, behavior, jokes... everything.... in relation to how it might affect her.

even right now, i’m anxious as hell because we’re all hanging out the day after tomorrow and i already know something will trigger her. someone will say something. someone will look at her weird. something small will spiral into everything. she hyper-analyzes every word, every tone, every reaction. she’s constantly convinced that whatever anyone says is secretly against her. even jokes. even harmless comments.

and i get that she’s hurting. i really do. but at some point… you can’t take every mildly mean or awkward interaction as an attack on your entire existence. you can’t isolate yourself from everyone and expect the world to bend around your trauma.

so yeah. i’m tired. i’m drained. i feel guilty all the time. and i feel like i don’t get to have a social life, or friendships, or even opinions that are just… mine. i don’t feel like a person anymore. i feel like a support system that forgot how to exist outside of someone else’s pain.

and before anyone asks, yes, i have communicated this. multiple times. very clearly. very carefully. i’ve told her how exhausted i am, how overwhelmed i feel, how sometimes i feel disappointed.....not in her, but in the situation. i don’t bottle it up and explode. i actually try to communicate like an adult.

and she listens. she really does. she understands what i’m saying. she apologizes. but then… it doesn’t stop there. she spirals.

it turns into: “i’m such a bad friend.”

“you’re miserable because of me.”

“you should leave me, i’m such a burden, i’m sorry.”

and suddenly i’m not allowed to be tired anymore. now i’m comforting her for feeling bad about exhausting me. now i’m reassuring her that she’s not a burden, that i’m not leaving, that she’s not ruining my life ..even

though, in some ways, my life does feel like it’s shrinking.

so every time i try to be honest, it backfires into another crisis. and i’m stuck choosing between silence or emotional damage control. i don’t know how to express my limits without triggering self-hate, guilt, or suicidal thoughts in her. and i don’t know how long a person can live like this without completely losing themselves.

i don’t know what the right answer is. maybe i just needed to say this out loud... all i know is that i am just SO exhausted.