I'm going from avoidant to anxiously attached, and I don't like it one bit.

I'm losing my mind. I genuinely don't know what to do. I don't even know what the problem is. I'm so lost and confused. I relapsed from sh about 2 weeks ago and I can't stop. Can't talk about it to anyone either. I don't fucking know why I feel so miserable. It feels like my heart is shutting down more and more day by day. I don't know what to do. I'm so terribly confused. I feel like I'm repeating my sentences but this is the truth. I feel like all I'm capable of doing is hurting those who are close to me. I just want to drown. I wanna die. I don't know how much longer I'll be able to hold on. I didn't explain anything because I don't have the energy to. Too many emotions overflowing in my mind. I feel like, I'm always too much. It fucking stings. I'm spiraling. Surrounded by loved ones yet I feel all alone. There's so much to say but nothing at the same time. I don't wanna stop typing cause pressing post means I'll have to sit all alone with my thoughts again. I'm genuinely, terribly afraid. I just wish to disappear.