How do I not hate myself?

Hi, I’m a 22-year-old male and I don’t like myself. I think of myself as a loser and I haven’t liked myself for my whole life. A lot of this really started in my childhood (mind you, I am the oldest sibling in my family). When I started in elementary school, I struggled a lot because I never wanted to be there. The teachers weren’t really the nicest and honestly humiliated me. I still hate lots of them.

Alongside with this, my mother wasn’t stepping off the gas either on me. She tended to be very harsh and say things like, “What happened to my little boy?” just to push more salt in my emotions, or, “It would be a better day if your teacher didn’t call and say you're failing.” She would do things like waiting during the day just to mention something to me that I’m failing at in my life or struggling with. On top of all this, I only had a very, very small group of friends in elementary school because everyone else in my class were douchebags and made fun of me and my small friend group. We weren’t considered popular (I’m talking like 30 students and 5 people including me were disliked).

My teachers would make sure to tell my mother that I was basically retarded because I was struggling a lot with understanding material. Nothing was wrong with me; I just never wanted to learn as a kid. I was never the type of kid to cause issues. I was quiet and kept my head down. I hated school. When I was in school and wasn’t understanding something, teachers would tend to make little comments like, “Should have been paying attention,” or making me say my marks out loud in front of everyone and having the whole class laugh. I was never picked for teams in gym class, always last.

After eight years of this, now we transition to high school. I kept the same attitude going in but tried to make new friends and as much of a new start as possible. A lot of the people from elementary that were in my classes also transitioned to my high school. From the start of grade 9, I made some new friends but still kept the old group from elementary. We were a tight group; we had to be, having spent eight years together. During my time in high school, I never tried to go to parties. I didn’t think I was ever someone who could. I didn’t believe in myself. I hated myself even more through high school as I still felt like a loser. I was never popular in my school.

At home during this period, my father came back from his job where he had to work far away and would be gone for weeks. He wanted to start working closer, so he quit that old job and I started seeing him more. He didn’t transition well into the at-home life. He didn’t know how to fit in our routine at home. He was also struggling to find work. He was a very angry individual. One day after he was out, I was playing games on my Xbox just to kill time. When he got home, he walked into my room and was mad at me for not doing my homework. I was a teenager and argued about it. He lost his cool and grabbed me by my shirt very aggressively and whipped me around and clocked his arm back and was ready to land a punch on me. I put my fist up knowing this was going to happen. He then said to me, “If you even dare, I will fucking punch the shit out of you.” I was 13 or 14 at the time this happened. He never landed the punch but was ready to by all means.

Later on in my high school life, during my senior year, I heard a girl liked me from my friend. She was extremely hot and was popular. I don’t know why she liked me, but she did. My friend at the time was dating one of her best friends. Eventually, all four of us hung out. I have never had an experience with hanging out with girls one-on-one. I was around 17 at this time and ever since that hangout, I eventually got that girl's Snap, the one that liked me. I

immediately got clingy because I was inexperienced and thought I needed her to know I really wanted to date her (I’m stupid). I asked her to hang out a few times. We did, and throughout the weeks, I snapped her nonstop, constantly wanting to talk to her and trying everything to talk with her. My friend kept telling me she liked me. The girl that liked me also invited me to play games with her on Xbox Live and still gave me attention on Snap.

We never actually dated. I never actually asked her that. I felt like I had to win her over. Reality was she was just leading me on and I was biting it. I was also inexperienced and stupid to cling so easily. One day, I asked her if we can go for a hike sometime. She said yes. I met up at the spot and waited four hours for her. She eventually responded when I asked her where she was at and she said she forgot. For a guy like me who’s never been in a relationship, at that moment in time, I had a heartbreak even though we never dated. I bawled my eyes out like I never did before at that moment in time and I specifically remember it. I made the decision that I was NEVER going to date because I was undateable. I cemented that so hard as a mindset and who I was.

That idea was the equivalent to the outcome of what 2 + 2 = 4. What I mean by this is we all know what 2 + 2 equals and there is no changing that, what it is and what it’s always going to equal. I was really saying there was no world or future that I could ever see in my life where I would be a dateable person or someone a girl could like more than a friend. A lot of that cemented idea was fueled by hate for myself, disappointment, and sadness. It was a reflection that showed I couldn’t even get a girlfriend; therefore, I never could and that something is wrong with me.

I carried that mindset for five years. A week later, that girl unfollowed me and told me I was weird. I don’t blame her; I was inexperienced and just kept doing it to myself. I never had guidance for when it came to women. I was the oldest sibling and had a friend giving me the wrong advice. My father was a very quiet guy so I couldn’t go to him. The only time he spoke to me was to just argue with me. He didn’t know how to work in with his own family because he wasn’t around much. I never hated him. He took a big hit for our family by making good money at his job. Because of that, I never saw him much.

During that time I was hanging out with that girl, my mother would flip out on me in front of my family by assuming I was doing drugs with her (I don't know why, my mother is very dramatic). She later poked her head into my room to tell me she loves me and ran away, no apology. Her doing those dramatic outbursts while I had no clue how to navigate that tended to make me think I was doing something wrong and that I was being a fuck up again like usual. I never was.

I had no self-esteem in my life. After high school, I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do. I told my parents I was going to take a gap year and work. It made no sense to go to school if I had no idea of what I wanted. My mom told me she wouldn’t love me if I don’t go to school. I said I wasn’t sure, and they signed me up for a graphic design course at a college. I never wanted to do that and wanted to find myself more. After the first year I broke, but not in the sense of sadness. I got filled with utter hate towards my parents and my life, how nothing ever worked for me. I wanted to fight my father and my mother. I told them I was quitting because this was a waste of time and I hated it. I wasn’t happy.

I then found a job at a liquor store. Some people were my age or a year or two older. It was mainly all women. Most of them were from the same high school as me. I got along with them pretty well and was comfortable with talking to women because of them. I was working there for three months so far at that time and my mental health was getting better. I started to understand myself more and look at things more positively. The job was very laid back, too. My manager was very nice. I knew this wouldn’t be a career, but I needed a break in my life.

During the third month in that job, my mother told me I had no life. I thought I could handle that comment and move on, but it killed me. I spiraled and twisted myself into knots all over again. From that third month up until now, I’ve just hated myself more and more, bringing up things I should have been better at, the things my mother has said to me, the fact I can’t get a girlfriend even if I wanted one, and how I’m still a virgin at 22, how I’m a loser. Just everything I hate about myself from past to present, for years that’s been growing on me and still adding to it.

I now no longer work there at that liquor store job. I moved away for school and I’m on my own now, still in school currently for something I don’t want but just to get away. I still hate myself. I just recently started to go to therapy. I hope it goes well.