I don’t know what to feel anymore

Life’s been a bit strange since Covid, not only for myself but everyone. BUT, 2020 was a particularly shitty year for me. In July of that year, 2 men broke into my home and held my brother at gun point. It was almost pitch black in my house so I couldn’t see much but I grabbed my gun and I was able to shoot one of them, but I was met with over 25 rounds being shot in my direction. 2 of them made contact, one in my arm (which from the angle I was standing, some how managed to travel up my arm, out of my armpit where a small fraction of the round reentered the bottom of my armpit and managed to reach the bottom left ventricle of my heart. The other went directly in between 2 ribs on my right side, went through my lungs, bounced off of a rib and obliterated my liver. I had a whopping 5% to make it. Here I am. Ever since then I’ve been battling with depression and anxiety a lot (which I suffered from both already so now it’s just terrible). In the years since then, I met my partner, I had my first child, my beautiful baby girl but I feel terrible because as happy as I am to have them, I wish everything would stop. It completely changed my body, I have like 40% feeling in the right side of my body due to the nerve damage, I can’t breathe the same. I know I should be thankful to be alive but I often feel the opposite. Since then, my step dad (who I had a great relationship with) has passed from cancer, my nana passed away 2 years after that, my papaw (grandpa of those that don’t know) who was everything to me, passed away just before my birthday last year. Without them, I feel lost, I knew it would come but it just feels like everything that once gave me comfort is fleeting.

If you made it this far, thank you for reading. I’m sorry if it’s a mess, I’m not the best at articulating.