I have everything planned

TL;DR: Feeling depressed, have things planned on how I will pass. Hotel booked etc. feeling said that even though I have done all the self improvement and travel stuff still hasn’t helped.

I have everything planned in a month or 2 months time from this post I won’t be here anymore. At least I hope. 85% is on board. I have been struggling with depression and suicidal ideation since I was 13 I am 21 now. I know many people will say how young I am and how there is a lot more life to live. The idea of me turning 22 in May makes me convulse. I have tried and given it my all to keep moving to keep living. I went far away from my home town for uni, I joined groups societies travelled on group holidays with strangers. A lot of friends that I have had just aren’t great it even good they never really support me and they lowkey make it obvious where they won’t want to publicly Acknowledge my achievements or talents.

I have gone through years of bullying, disappointments and shrinking myself for others. I won’t go through all the details but my home life is and was quite toxic. It feels like no matter what I do or where I got there isn’t a space in the world for me. I don’t want to wait anymore. I made a pact with myself at 16 and managed to be okay hence the reason I am still here. But life still hasn’t gotten better life will never be perfect but not the horrible shit and heartbreak I have been put through in the past 3 years.

Being stuck back at home with my parents and being broke is possibly the most depressing thing. I am giving life one last try I am hopefully going to get a photoshoot done close to my birthday. I am start dance class and hopefully I can meet some people there. I have no faith or hope that I will meet people or form relationships that will make me want to stay. But I have to try one last time so when it’s time to go I know I am completely ready.

It’s goes to show that having achievements and talents doesn’t mean the world will treat your with kindness.