Still not over her

I (M25) and my ex (F23) were in a relationship for almost 4.5 years I ended things about a year in a half ago when she called me white privileged , I come from parents that met in rehab and grew up on welfare for half my life, I have earned everything that I have so when she dropped this bomb on me it felt like she never knew me , it felt like a knife in my back and my moms back because she worked so hard to give me and my brother the life she always wanted for us, but after that I got cold and completely shut down, I was so shut down that she actually had to basically force the break up because of how isolated I was with my emotions after that , I felt so fucking pathetic like really? I couldn’t even get the words out? After we broke up I came to Christ, somewhat got my shit together , I got into another relationship 7 months later and I told the chick (22) I was with at the time that I loved her but I called her by my other exes name. We didn’t break up because when I told her that she was asleep, the new girl was crazy , and not like “ oh she is trying to keep me accountable crazy I’m talking about would cut herself , send her a photo of her and a gun and say she was gonna end it all , when she was doing all that I all could think was “ she(23)would never have treated me like this” some months go by and I am still thinking about this stuff it got to a point where she(22)ended things (ikr wonder why it didn’t last ) she ended things because we weren’t having sex enough but it’s kinda hard to have sex with someone who treats you like shit ya know? But yeah it’s been about 7 months since that relationship but it has been a few weeks since I realized I am not over her(23), it’s like everything I have accomplished for the past year in half I wanna tell her , when I was with her she was always so proud of me and always supportive of the things that I accomplished, I thought about her smiling a few days ago and I just fell apart , I miss her smile , her scent , the way she would look at me like I was the most important person in her life, I miss her head scratches, her soft spoken voice , I miss the way we used to dance in the dark, I had been praying to god about it to provide me the strength but it’s just so hard when I think about her beautiful green eyes looking at me with that beautiful smile , I wanna contact her , I wanna tell her everything but I feel like I would open up old wounds, I left her when she needed me most idk if she would be forgiving like that, I think about if I was just the man that god wanted me to be then we would still be together I am open to direction , anything helps, I just wanna talk about this stuff because I am still healing and I am relearning to forgive myself for my fuck ups