45 m - never THOUGHT I had self harmed till this week, until I thought about my life. TW (sex, feeling ignored, unresolved trauma)

Full disclosure, diagnosed AuADHD on medication, in referral to local mental health team and psychiatrist to deal with some untreated trauma.

This week was the first time I cut myself, but realising now whilst compiling information that its not the first time I self harmed.

Over the years I've put myself in dangerous situations, thinking about what would happen if I put my hand in a packing machine, how easy could I break a bone, lifting weights so heavy I hurt myself.

Overeating, undereating, drinking a lot, drugs a couple of times, but got those under control, when I had to step up, spending habits that take me to the edge of bankrupt,

Toxic relationships that went on way longer than they should have, both me and them being just awful to each other. Friendships where I knew outright I was being treated badly but I couldn't break out of until they set me free.

BDSM, as a top, not a bottom, taking stuff hard as it was the only time that I was without the intrusive thoughts and voices.

Even now as I type this, I feel like this isn't self harm and I'm making a twat of myself.

Just a vent, screaming into the void if you will