Am I selfish for fighting trauma?

Im 23M and I had a very bad childhood. When I was 4-5 my father told me to shut up and that poor thing stoped speaking, cut to now I am now so undercofdent that i can't make proper connection with anyone, my whole life I just trued to convince people that I have a trauma and and I'm not mad.at home my mother was never allowed me to be vernalable, it was village so i had to work when I was 13 or something but i refused and I was a bad example for doing it. I loved studying and was a bright student but my whole family just never understood the importance of silence when studying ... I remember this I was in 11th and was studing for exam, the room i was studying it was just besides the TV so even if i close door the siund come throguh and I was so broken that time I was crying that I wanted to study and they were laughing outside the room, that day I decided I will never do anything for them.....

I used to always be in my room never attand any function, event, I wanted friends but my parent littery told me that friends are not important and always tell me to not being with friends with them. I still remember that when I was 8 or something I would pray to god before going to bed thay i would never wake up next morning... I used to hate them, all of them, my father for implying sankar over love , mother for never stop harrasing and telling what to do, sibling for authority cause my father ga ve them power thay if I talk laud in front of them they can beat me and I must obey them, I was turning crazy I used to have very harmful thoguhts, and for long periods of time i would think daily kiling my whole family adn torchuring my self that you are erong for thinking this, now you thiught about it you must suffer, so much nagative thiught that I never liked my self.

I wanted to end it, everyday but I could not and this very thought of not able to end my life gave me hoplesnes that I had to carry it forward.

Few years passed I had this disorder kind of thing, where I would be attracted towards taking bad decidons thay shoukd be unchangable... Basicaly destroying my self was my hobby and reason was thay I wanted fuck my life so bad that ending my life would become best option..but things changed I met someone who understood me who gave the importance to my thoughts thay nobody ever gave me, I got attached too much sort fof depended on her and when she left everything collapsed.. I thiught the only reason thay keot me living was gone I became very suicidal and had so many suicide attampts but as usuall very scared oc taking my life. I ended up having deep marks on my hands from top to bottom. But then I thight if I can't die I will live. And then got a gf still don't know how I puled that off...

But after having gf was much more frama cause my father got to know and everybody else also, so my father put two choices on my hands if I want to live with them I have to leave her and and if I wan to be with her I have to leavd home,, I chose the the other option, lived in the studio I was working in, for a month and then got a death threat from the beighbours of my gf and then gf requested to go home, then I did but never like there, I used make just 5000 per and had to give 4000 to home and left with nothing to improve, I had no growth cause that work was also so hard for my fragile mind that more I trie more my skills got suck up, like I dont how if I learn something today I would forgot next day, as if everyday I was starting from zero, I did not like there the boss who should not be the boss actually cause we had agreement that the partnership was 30-70 he had equipments and I had skills and untill the channel get starts making money he will pay me 5000 per month.... But the basterd was using me like hell... I used to work for 12 hours sometime whole night and still not able meet the deadlines,,

So one day the pressure was high and my brain got short circuit. I had panic attack at 3 am at nught cause I was working for 2 days day and night non stop and I sais i cant come today.. but he kept pushung me so told gf thay if yiu say one more time I might do something wrong with my self.... But she did asked me to go to work.... So I broke my phone by throwing it on the wall and thay night I walked 10km thingking there is nothing lwft home and my mind was just in aiplane mode that i just want run way somewhere.....

But still I ended up at home again cause I cant comprehand outer world....

Now from home I'm working on one thing that I feel give the indipenedce I alwayss wanted, but here is the question I feel like I am betraying my parents stil knowing whay terrible things they done to me, I feel like I will be a bad example, I fought but in the fight I am becomeing bad like my mind is contstantly fighting them like im justifying myself that im doing right but also I know thay what I went through... Please tell me after I move out whay shoukd I do. Cause I feel like if I love here I will have no life even if I make money....