Is this a me problem?

I was in a 6 year partnership with a woman I care for a lot. We're not young. Our kids from earlier marriages are young adults. We were living together a few years. And I ended up not happy. Things started good. Got better. And then things got slowly and steadily worse. I ended it.

She had taken to criticising me for so many things. She overlooked the many things I did to help make her life nice like home repairs, chores, errands, financial contributions, and just basic thoughtfulness. I was not looking for a trophy for what I did or contributed. But i often got told I did "nothing." If i said no to something, like if i didnt want to go see her niece's recorder recital at 2pm on a Thursday then i got hit with "you're just selfish you never do the things i want to do."

It was weird. I started to see patterns. I thought this was the person i was going to fight the world with as we got old. But this person routinely made big lifestyle and money choices without including me in any collaboration. She also became very controlling and seemed to think she was entitled to all of my free time. She guilted me for doing things with friends. She didnt appreciate that i have hobbies and interests that she didn't share. I lived in what felt like a cloud of disapproval. All the while i knew that objectively, i was a very decent partner. And even with all the disdain that I felt, even after all the criticism, mockery, intermittent coldness, etc. she really wanted me to stay in the relationship when I said I was done.

I tried to talk to her very carefully about what i was feeling. Tried to address my need for autonomy and basic respect. I had some very long, very unproductive talks with her. I could not get her to apologize for insults or simple things. I could not get her to drop her defenses. I tried desperately to connect with her and see the patterns i had caught onto. But it felt like she could only point to my flaws and mistakes as reasons why she behaved as she did.

Here's my question. Was I asking too much? I was pretty good at ignoring her little jabs and claiming some space for myself. It took some work though. And the tension was palpable at times. But this desire that i had to connect with her and get her to see some of my points and concerns --was that too much? Was i being too needy when i asked for that kind of connection? Was i silly for thinking a relationship could be frictionless or super easy?

Are there couples out there who respect each other's autonomy, still enjoy each other's company, value each other's contributions, and run operations like a team? I'm genuinely wanting to know because I have had a few long term relationships where this was not how it worked. I am left wondering if the missing "connectedness" thing that i want so badly is just a ME problem. Am I looking for something that doesn't really exist?