I feel lost

My ex girlfriend broke up with me about a month ago. We dated for close to 5 years. She was my first real relationship as an adult. When i was kicked out of my dad’s house at 19 her and her family took me in until i could get on my own 2 feet. Her dad got me a contracting job at the company he worked for at the time and about a year later i got my own apartment. She moved in with me and it was great, until i started using cocaine on a more regular basis.

After i started doing it at work. It destroyed my relationship. she had no clue how bad it was getting because i was really good at hiding my habit and she was left to deal with all the side effects. I would break down crying over the smallest things i felt insecure about. Weather it was how much i make, my living situation in a 1 bedroom apartment, financial struggles (mainly due to the amount of drugs i would buy) or just feeling straight up inferior to her. And i would be inconsolable during these crying fits due to how fucked up i was all the time. It took enough of a toll on her to where she said she needed to be independent for a while and the realization of how bad I actually was hit me like a freight train.

I wasn’t and am still not mad at her but I just feel so alone right . We were attached at the hip for nearly 5 years and now im alone. The apartment is just too silent. My 2 sisters will drag me out of the apartment every once in a while and they’ve been a huge help but its the times where im just alone at home where I really struggle. Ive been working on improving myself with my therapist but I would be lying if i said it didn’t feel pointless.

I haven’t used since she broke it off with me. Im officially 28 days clean as of writing this post. I originally wanted to get clean so that way i would be better for her but i asked her for clarification about a week ago if she left with the intention of revisiting later or if it was a full breakup. And she gave me the answer i really didn’t wanna hear.

I don’t know how to move forward. I rearranged the apartment, attempting to hang out more with friends, journaling, and genuinely trying to improve myself but it just all feels pointless. And i just feel mad at myself all the time. I can’t blame anyone but myself for causing all of it. And i hate this feeling of just sitting here sober with the consequences. I just feel like a husk of myself. Outside of work all i do is sit at home watching youtube with my cat. And it doesn’t even feel like home without her anymore. I feel like im going through the motions just for the sake of going through the motions.

A nice woman was flirting with me the other day and I flirted back a bit. The interaction just felt wrong to me though. It felt like i was cheating even though we aren’t together anymore. I know im not ready for another relationship right now and probably won’t be for a while. I just wish i knew how to make my heart not belong to her anymore. I miss her so much. And its been really hard. I’m not really sure why I’m posting this but i could really use some advice. Therapy isn’t working as much as I thought it would.