my addiction came back after finding out

so i recently found out my PA ex has been lying about not watching porn or looking at other women the entire relationship. he’d act disgusted at the idea of men who watch it but then turns out he’s just one of them. ever since i found out (jan 23) i have the images, the girls, the websites, and everything stuck in my mind.

out of curiosity i checked the websites and they were all leaked nudes of random girls, not even OF, just straight up normal random girls. the type you’d see on the street walking outside or whatever. he also watched deepfakes of this one twitch streamer. it disgusted me so much, i can’t even look at attractive women anymore without thinking, “oh he’d jerk off to her”, “he’d probably imagine her naked”. i CANT look at women anymore without feeling a hint of hate, jealousy, and anger. he never admitted to anything despite me seeing literal proof of it (saw his google activity) and sometimes i feel crazy cause he gaslights and pretends to be the victim. when i see thirsttraps, i remember the girls’ pictures, i remember the sites it fills me with so much disgust, shame, sadness, just every negative emotion ever.

i used to have a porn addiction myself before dating him but i obviously stopped. now since finding out he cheated on me i cant stop searching the girls, the exact pictures, the keywords i saw him searching, the websites. it’s like it fills me with shame and yet pleasure. i feel disgusting because i think my addiction cane back. every little thing triggers me and now im like my cheating PA ex. i fucking hate myself for feeling aroused and urges. what the actual fuck? it’s like when the thought of him probably jerking off to this pops into my head i feel a mix of despair and pleasure. normal porn isn’t even getting me off.