things are getting worse ever since i left the hospital

last year i was admitted into a psych ward because i was very suicidal (i still am) and after spending sometime in there for 3 months i got discharged and my doctor told me that i most likely am developing emerging bpd and i have some mental health stuff like mdd and gad but the bpd part struck me the most apart of me was glad i got diagnosed cause someone i was friends with told me i should probably look into it ig she was getting concerned and after i got discharged everything was great i had everyone with me 2025 was looking like a great year but declined quickly

i pushed alot of people away i lost my friend were very close (while we were friends i noticed how intense it was i was acting manipulative i betrayed her alot, she forgave me so much to the point where she js left me and i feel so guilty abt it to this day) i became different some people who i was friends with i literally js said "i hate you leave me alone or dont talk to me ever again" and i feel alone these were all church friends btw i still do have friends from school but ig church is a very intense environment relationship wise and rn im so alone sundays are the worst it sucks to see everyone happy and im js reflecting on last year i dont have any plan to go back or fix those relationships cause whats the point its js going to be intense and i dont think church people know much abt bpd

im friends with someone in my class and she's great but i dont feel the need to be friends with her its not like i caused damage but i remember for a small thing i stopped talking and ignored her for 2 weeks apologized and went back again got mad at her for hanging out with a guy but she's always so attached to me and ignored her again that whole day rn i js want to cut things off im making it worse and idk im mad ig at her but she never did anything wrong

with my symptoms ig i did self harm (cutting) but now when i really get angry i hit myself with my own hands im mostly sad during the day sometimes i get happy but everything happens so quickly i have thoughts of going to substances or suicide im so tired and ever since i got diagnosed with emerging bpd its like everything is js going to get worse