Marriage advice

The backstory:

I (34) have been married to my wife (35) for 7 years. She is a stay at home mom. We have three children, my oldest is special needs. I'm a firefighter and I've been a Christian my whole life. The first few years of our marriage I would mention to her that I wanted to get back into church because I want my children to know Jesus. In my early adulthood I got so busy with the fire academy and Paramedic school that I unfortunately drifted away. About 2 years ago she agreed to go to church with me and after the first service she really leaned into it, more than I ever was in my entire religious journey. My wife made the decision on her own to get baptized a year ago. All of this made me extremely and content. We still go to church every Sunday to this day.

This is a side note but matters to the story. My wife has 2 siblings around the same age and her parents divorced when they were all in high-school. But her parents remain close friends to this day. I come from a family where divorce is not an option. Very southern baptist "death before divorce".

Working long nights in the fire department getting no sleep and then coming home to my three young children (one with special needs) started taking a toll on me. I would come home and sit in my chair and I was there but I wasn't really there. I was just tired all the time and my mental health just seemed so frail. About a week ago, I come home from work and she says we need to talk. The cliff notes of the conversation were:

• I dont want to be with you anymore
• Life is easier and things run smoother when you're not home
• I'm carrying the emotional weight of this family
• I want to seperate
• I need space/time

Of course hearing all of this crushed me. It was out if the blue, and we had great days following up to this day. With all of the emotions going through me I went through different stages:

• I agreed (trying to call her bluff, thinking she would change her mind...its happened before)
• I shamed her, asking how could she do this to our family.
• I begged, I will change into whatever it is you need to hold on to what we have.

The result of the conversation was we were seperated but should still remain friends because of the kids. She needs space but we can stay in the same house and sleep in the same bed and why make this weird? This is all her idea. (I also forgot to mention my sister in law is staying with us for a while and they are together all the time, they are best friends)

The first few days were very awkward. Awkward exchanges. It was clear any touching or intimacy was gone immediately. But around our kids she would go back to normal convorsation. On the third day I asked if I could move into a spare room until I can find some land and move out. She started crying. I asked why and she said because even though it's happening it still hurts. And then I asked her, " so there's no chance on fixing this? " she said there is, but she has alot of emotions she has to work on, and she needs time and space. She doesn't want to make me any promises and she doesn't know how long it will take.

This part I am not proud of and I know I will be bashed for it. In 7 years I've never checked my wifes phone except once, 3 years ago because she was acting very out of character. I found that she was talking to a guy at work but nothing had happened. She was very upset about what she did but the whole situation was worked through. And then on the third night I checked her phone again for the second time ever thinking something similar was happening. I did not find her talking to another man but I saw where she was talking about the seperation and how she thinks we should seperate for at least a year. Reading this i was devastated, I deserved to be, going through her phone.

That night I didnt know where to turn. I had a moment where I was staring at the pond in my backyard and then staring at the safe on my night stand where I keep my pistol. I had thought about it before due to a really bad call I went on that left me with some pretty severe PTSD. Now that this is happening... what's stopping me? I cant even keep my family together. Next to the safe on my night stand is my bible. Something told me to reach for that instead. I found myself reading it for hours and ended up on scripture about sacrificial love. The more I read about it I was overcome with extreme sadness and grief. I couldn't stop crying. My entire life I have been living like a child. My entire marriage has been nothing but selfishness. I haven't sacrificed one thing for my wife or children. Im supposed to be created in Christ's image. He gave up everything, even his life. To show us how much he loved us. I loved my family but I haven't been showing them love at all. I felt like such a failure of a man and felt like I had wasted so much time. Ive been living my life like my family should serve me when I should be serving my family. I set my alarm clock so that I could wake up early and take my kids to school. My wife usually let me sleep in because I was coming off a shift were I hadn't slept the night before. The next day I took my kids to school. I came home and started reading my Bible. I had this overwhelming feeling that I needed to make up for lost time and I needed to serve my family. The separation still sucked but I was almost more worried about my kids. But I also read love your wife like Christ loved the church. Shes still my wife... I need to live like christ... christ never stops pursuing our heart. So now I feel like i need to serve my family before any of my needs are met. I haven't sat in my chair in a week. I've been taking the kids to school every morning and picking them up in the afternoons. As soon as we get home I take them out in the backyard and we play until the sun goes down. I cook dinner. I have started trying to do all the chores before my wife can get to them. The first few days of this all she did was sit in a chair and read her books all day and scroll through instagram. I just assumed she was checked out, that wasn't gonna stop me. As long as she's my wife I will serve. After a few days of this my wife appeared to be in pain, I could see it on her face. The kids were in school and she went shopping. It was just me and my sister in law at home. I was folding laundry and something told me to go talk to my sister in law, which I never did. Me and my sister in law are very similar. We are the type of people who will talk when talked to, we just don't have alot of words. We are observers. Not shy just quiet. I went to my sister in law and I asked her if there was anything more I could do to help with my wife's mental load, after all, she knows her best. She gave me some advice and then I went about my day. I kept my same routine, stayed busy with my kids and chores and any down time I would read my Bible at the kitchen bar. One day I asked my wife if we could talk. I told her I owe her an apology, that she knows that I love her and the kids but haven't been loving them. I told her about learning about sacrificial love and how selfish I've been. I thanked her for everything she's done for me and apologized for everything I put her through. She had some tears but things didn't change as far as interaction. After a few days she started talking to me more and more. She said she appreciates the things I've been doing and how much it's helped her stress. We started leaving the house together, laughing and I've started praying with her every morning to start our day and every night when we go to sleep. Even our kids are behaving better than normal because they are getting playtime from me they havent had before. Everything has gone pretty much back to normal except for the intimacy and touch. She would have these moments where I would feel her looking at me across the room while im playing with our kids and I look and she's staring at me. Its almost like she wants to take that first step but won't. We still sleep next to each other every night with zero contact. Even touching feet.

And then I had another moment of weakness. I went through her phone again. I saw her telling her friend I have completely changed everything. How she isn't sure this is just a plot to get her to stay but how im different this time. How i cant stay out of the bible. But also why couldn't he just do this before?

The next few days my agenda has not waivered. I enjoy serving my family now. My kids are fun. I like the look on my wife's face when she realizes things are already done. Today I am at work and she has not stopped texting me all day. We are going to church in the morning when I get off.

Regardless of the outcome I feel like this has made me the man I was supposed to be.

But I guess what im here asking is. Is there still a chance for my marriage to work? I dont know how to read her or when or if to make a move. I know im supposed to pursue my wife.