Am I the toxic one PLEASE HELP

I’m so so sorry for the long post. But I beg for help. I beg.

I (f29) have been getting into a lot of conflict with my husband (m31) lately because of communication.

My side is that he has a toxic trait of doing something bad, and then when I react bad because of it, I’m suddenly the bad guy of the entire situation and end up having to be the one apologizing in the situation. I didn’t used to be this way in reacting crazy, but after so many times of taking bs I got really sour to the things he does and will say something mean in the argument. Should I say some of the things? No of course not. My defense is that if he doesn’t do the toxic bad things to begin with, I wouldn’t be getting angry in the first place. And since he does it so often, I’m just getting more and more sick of it which makes me meaner in the arguments. since it happens so much nowadays, I go from the happiest person with absolutely no problems from 0-100 completely shut down which makes me the bad person. And it’s usually the same arguments over and over again which triggers me even more because he doesn’t see that and isn’t willing to budge. All that he sees is I’m starting an argument and being a super mean person, even if I have every reason on the planet to be.

What happened this time is i was in the bedroom playing with ourtwo sons while he was in the living room playing video games. Way back in the day i used to get these things that i call “surges” where my entire lower half and mainly the pelvis bone feels like its being electrocuted and i have to lie down flat on the ground and wait for it to pass. Super painful stuff that was never figured out by doctors, but it had stopped and I haven’t experienced it in years.

Anyways, I randomly got a surge tonight that took me off guard and immediately laid on the floor in agony waiting for it to pass. I didn’t yell for him at first but it wouldn’t go away after a few minutes so I yelled out to my husband “are you busy in the middle of a game right now” cause I didn’t want to disturb his gaming. By his reaction of immediately yelling back super angrily “what do you want” I knew I didn’t want to mess with him because when he yells like that I can tell he’s in a bad mood and I didn’t feel like getting into that because we have had such a good day. So I told him nvm I’m good don’t worry about it, which caused him to get angry and come in raising his voice at me.

He clearly saw me laying face down on the floor moaning in pain and chose to berate me constantly, not in a nice way whatsoever, more like a super annoyed “what do you want, what are you doing, what’s going on” blablabla. And when I wouldn’t answer that would get him more angry at me that I wasn’t answering him. Not once did he run to my rescue asking if I was okay and try to help me in any way. He just stood at the doorway annoyed that I wasn’t “communicating with him” even though I think seeing your wife lying on the floor in pain should be enough to want to be a loving supportive husband but whatever I guess not.

I kept saying “can’t talk” which made him once again angry because he kept saying “obviously you can talk with how much you’re saying “can’t talk” so I knew I wasn’t going getting anywhere with him and said never mind don’t worry about it. So he left to go back and play his games leaving me on the floor fighting for my breath while I had 2 toddlers literally crawling on top of me making things worse for me.

Well a couple minutes pass and the surge is over and I go to hug my two boys who are getting fussy and crying about the commotion. Everything past that is sorta blurry because of the rage I was feeling. He came back in a little later but I don’t remember for what, but I know he was still angry and upset and he was saying something about how it’s my fault because I wasn’t communicating with what’s wrong.

This is a common argument that we have when something goes down and he says I freak out instead of telling him what’s wrong. (For example a previous time I yelled out for help in the kitchen for help because a thing of food and liquid had spilt all over me and the whole kitchen everywhere, and cause I yelled out for help but didn’t tell him exactly what was wrong, I was met with extreme anger towards me because apparently yelling for help and him not seeing me covered in food was enough for him to know to help me. He became so mad and was throwing stuff around the house screaming at me and somehow I was the one having to apologize. All cause I yelled help)

he likes exact words before he comes to help me, but I always use the argument “what, so if I get shot or am In a Burning building and yell help, you’re not going to come and help me because I’m not telling you what I need help with?” he always says that’s different but I really don’t think so. Yelling help means come here I need help. Right? Like am I crazy for thinking that? Why should I always be met with someone who’s angry at me for asking for help?

Anyways, so he’s saying all this stuff immediately turning the situation on me because I’m not “communicating”with him. And I’m sitting there absolutely dumbfounded that my HUSBAND who is supposed to be there for me no matter what ESPECIALLY WHEN IN DIRE NEED just came in angrily seeing me in pain lying on the ground, and instead of giving two craps as to what’s going on, started laying into me and somehow making me be the villain for laying there moaning in agony on the floor and not telling him what’s wrong.

So I interrupted him and was saying something super loosely along the lines of “oh my god. Oh my god. That’s so f’ing toxic. I’m not going to talk about this. That’s probably the most toxic thing you have ever done. Like for real That’s something that my (named super super abusive ex) would do when I’d be sick.” And that’s when he loses his crap because there I go attacking him again like I do every time we argue.

Should I have named my ex? Of course not. That was the first time that had ever happened. But that’s all I was thinking about in the moment tbh. Like, I cannot tell you the hurt I’m feeling right now knowing my husband didn’t comfort me in any shape of form and instead left me in pain acting like he could care less. I’m literally shaking right now typing this out because I am so traumatically triggered by my past where an abusive ex would literally leave me on the floor to die and not care. I get that the way I said it to him might have seemed like I was immediately insinuating that he was the same abusive monster that my ex was, but not at all. I was just talking about how that one isolated instance was extremely toxic of him to do and that previous toxic men have done that, so it was me confirming for me that what he did was incredibly toxic. If that makes any sense at all? Like I usually apologize for the mean stuff I say during arguments and talk it out with him, but I’m just shutting it all down this time around because I’m so tired of it. Like he just did something so incredibly cruel and once again for the 172872 time im the bad guy somehow in this whole thing. So I don’t think I’m going to apologize this time around. I’m now numb. Ln

Am I the asshole? Or like, I’m willing to take the blame for some things but at the same time once again. I wouldn’t be saying he was toxic like my ex if he didn’t do something incredibly toxic like my ex. It’s not nice, but It’s not like I’m just spewing out hate 24/7 just to be an asshole. I’m only reacting negatively back when he does something negative to me in the first place. In fact before this relationship, I never knew how to stand up for myself, but now that I’m standing up for myself finally in my life, I’m getting shoved back into the ground for it. This constant feeling of me always being the bad person is putting me in a really dark headspace and I want others input. I just don’t know what to do at this point. I always tell him I don’t feel safe talking to him anymore and stuff like this always proves it. I can’t talk to him about a problem without him blowing up. I can’t ask for help without him blowing up. I’m ready to just give the silent treatment and not ever open my mouth again at this point.

I’m happy to show him this after and let him give his side of the story. I’m not afraid to. He will probably just say once again that I’m an asshole for doing this. And I’m also happy to answer any questions that you might have.