Why does physical touch feel awful when I'm overstimulated? Also masking is exhausting.

It was a long day of being around people today. I played dnd which was fun, and then had a family convo that wasn't so fun. Talking about hard things is extremely difficult for me, especially since I mask very hard around my family. I tell them things are difficult for me and they are confused. I'm exhausted.

I think I spent like...5 hours around people in total? I did give myself an hour break after the dnd, and I'm currently having a break after the family dinner and talk.

Jeez I am just tired. Like I feel deeply tired. If I didn't have to speak, I wouldn't, but if I refused to speak then my family would freak out or something.

I'm all overstimulated. Lights and noise are bothering me. If I am around people right now I fear I might get snappy or not be able to keep up the chipper happy mask I usually keep on. If I take the mask off the questions come. "Why are you so tired, you haven't done anything? Oh so you have the energy to hang with your friends but not to shower? Oh you're doing well in school and hang out with your friends so why is your mood still low?" My mom does not believe me about my depression/anxiety diagnosis. Probably because of my stupid masking. But I feel like I have to. I've had it my whole life, and it's exhausting but it protected me. From having to talk about difficult things. Protected me when things got too much. I guess...it feels easier to keep it.

I got very overstimulated after dinner. I had to go away. Mom touched my arm on purpose and my sister brushed me by accident. I know they didn't mean anything but I hated it. I don't want touch right now. The clothes on my skin feel awful. Everything feels bad, I just want to rip it all off. Noise and lights and fuck. I could feel the signs of overstimulation. I could have fixed it if I was by myself. But I had to stay for the conversation...and now I'm out of commission for a while.

I know that if I could unmask I'd be less tired at home. At university during the week, the masking from being at home puts me out of commission (or at least less functional) for a day or so. Everything is harder and harder to keep up with. Too tired. Wish I could just have the space I need. Wish my family would understand. I need it. To not melt down later. Except they haven't seen one of my meltdowns. They haven't seen me have a verbal shutdown (unless me shutting down during arguments counts? I've always done that pretty much. It is too hard to talk, my throat closes up and I feel close to tears).

What is the point in masking if I'm exhausted no matter what I do. I feel dead on my feet and completely burnt out. The energy I manage to summon up for the weekends at home comes out of energy I was supposed to have for my week at university. And recharging takes so long...sometimes I never even recharge fully.