I just see emptiness ahead of me

I'm trying so hard to be optimistic, but every so often in the wee small hours when I can't sleep, I try to look ahead and see only loneliness, frustration, disappointment and pain.

I'm unwell, physically and mentally. I can't work, and haven't for years. I'm trying so hard to get better, but I can't afford private therapy, so have to make do with long waits, small doses, and spending half the limited sessions unpacking everything that's happened before, leaving little time to address the actual problems. Every medical test comes back negative and it's got to the stage I'm questioning whether I do really have these problems or if they're just another manifestation of my mental illnesses.

Even if and when I try to get back into work, I'm hampered by my past. I have a criminal record (my fault, I deserved it), and that makes most people write me off. My mental health problems fed into my actions (not to excuse, just to contextualise), and many of my issues didn't really get recognised until afterwards. Most of my family have ostracised me as a result. It's hard to make friends, or even attempt a relationship, because it's something that can't be kept a secret, and once people know, they walk.

The only person who gave me a chance, who looked beyond what I did and at what I could be, is gone. Our circumstances mean we can't be together. I genuinely can't see anyone else being that open-minded, forgiving, and loving. I had my last chance at love, and it's gone.

I'll keep going. I'll keep working on my health, so that at least if I can't be fixed I can manage. I'll keep looking for work. I'm not wanting to do anything glamorous, be famous, get rich. Just something that pays the bills, that I can feel proud of, and ideally that puts something good back into the world. I'll keep trying to be social. I doubt I'll be anyone's close friend, as I have to hold back so much. But I can be a good friend. I'll keep going. I'll keep trying to be optimistic, despite being scared. But I suspect I had my chances and squandered them. I'll have a life, but it will be small, lonely and limited. But I'll keep going.