I wish he would’ve never talked to me in the first place

I’ve been going to Mass every Sunday and praying every single night for my desire to be loved by him to go away. I don’t even agree with a lot of Catholic beliefs, I’m just willing to do literally anything to make it stop. I have gone insane. I even contacted Etsy witches and paid them a few dollars to do spells that will make me not want him anymore. As I’m sure you can tell, it didn’t work.

I’ve picked up smoking cigarettes as a distraction. It’s gross and unhealthy but it helps me not think about him for a moment.

I don’t want to dream about him anymore. I don’t want to be attached to him anymore. He is the only person I am physically attracted to now and I’m worried that will never change. I gave this man my mind, body and soul. We opened up to eachother about some really deep stuff that I usually don’t tell people and now he acts like none of that ever happened.

It’s not his job to fix me or cure my limerence, only I can do that. I’m not entitled to his love or attention, I know that. But he knows how much it meant to me to be intimate with him, and how difficult it is for me to get to that point with anyone. We discussed it thoroughly before we ever did anything together. He knew I was hesitant and afraid to let him be close to me.

A few months ago he drunkenly told me he’s in love with me which obviously made my feelings for him grow even more and ever since he has been completely avoidant. We’ll make plans to see eachother, he’ll stand me up, he’ll ignore me for a couple weeks then hit me with an “I miss u” text and I always let him come back to me because I am an actual moron with zero self-respect (when it comes to him, at least).

I rationalize it by telling myself that he just has an avoidant attachment, that it’s not his fault he’s like this, that he’s been through a lot and I should be patient. But I’ve been through a lot too and I can’t take much more.

Also I’ve experienced limerence before, for a friend I had in high school. It was miserable and it went on for three years, and only went away once my friend came out as gay and I went off to college. But this is way worse because unlike my friend from high school, there was a point where he actually reciprocated and gave me plenty of reasons to believe we’d be together.

I know I should block him. I know I should just focus on loving myself and doing what I can to improve. I just can’t bring myself to do it, I am addicted to his presence and the hope that we’ll be together someday like he said we would.

And to think all of this probably could’ve been avoided had I just been hugged more and cared for more as a child. Absolutely pathetic existence. I do not know how to actually love someone normally.