Did I become mentally unwell due to my restricted life, or did I get a restricted life due to me being mentally unwell?

I (26F) spend every single day in my room, mostly on the Internet, occasionally doing chores. That's basically it. Even if I came up with an idea for something to do on my own on the outside, it would require the inclusion of my parents because they'd need to be informed and transport me. So I never ask for or to do anything so as to not inconvenience my family, or make them worry about my capability to handle myself in the real world. And I usually don't ever express a desire to carry out long-term ambitions either, and they know nothing about my interests other than I'm in my room a lot.

Sometimes if I'm asked explicitly to do something, and I somehow get it wrong, I might be seethed at or have my mother angry at me, and then my mood is shot for the entire rest of the day. It's already bad when these instances happen, which by the way are very rare specifically because I try not to do anything unless prompted or it's necessary. So if I purposely did more, just because I was "dissatisfied", knowing it could trigger her - how do I know if me knowing that action would trigger her is just me knowing who she is, or if I really know what I want to do is wrong, and that I'd be doing whatever thing I'm vaguely considering just to piss her off out of boredom?

Just this morning to make a short story shorter, this morning I avoided doing a small part of a chore because I didn't want to do it wrong by putting something somewhere wrong, and my mom pointed it out and was like "I don't understand, [OP]. You've been living here for years." What I did was part of my pattern where I avoid something if I don't want to do it wrong. Asking might make me look stupid, and has before.

This is actually my adoptive family and my actual mother would constantly accuse me of malice, like being lazy when I didn't clean, or of rearranging things or throwing things away if I did clean. Even if I didn't remember doing anything, I'd still be accused of throwing things away. It's like I lost the benefit of the doubt, and I fear that happening in this house too, and of becoming permanently hated so my life is like how my old life used to be. Even if I did the same task in two opposite ways, I was still wrong. I couldn't ask her what to do because that would piss her off, and I was apparently supposed to "watch her" during everyday life. I also took things literally which caused me to do things wrong. I also drew anger or was ignored or misrepresented if I ever expressed an opinion. A part of me wonders if I must have deep down wanted all the bad things to happen, because she accused me of "liking it" and hating her.

I also remember being bullied, the worst being in 6th grade, and not being helped because it was me being told to put my head down, and being called names, like "trash" or "retarded monkey." And I was told for the former because it happened in a loud classroom it would incredulous I could have heard it, and overall it looked like I was paying attention to it because I must have wanted to be bullied. It mostly stopped in high school, replaced by my mother.

I never told anyone how my mom screamed at me everyday, because I thought people would just blame me. Because I thought they either wouldn't care like "Umm, okay...?" or laugh at me for being too stupid to figure out how to clean, or call me disgusting for describing how we lived. I wonder if it makes me a coward because I didn't want to possibly take responsibility for something that could have been my fault.

I feel simultaneously that the restriction I feel is creating this current resentment, while at the same time that the depths of my resentment are justifying the restriction I'm experiencing. It's not like my current family can say what I can and can't do. It's just that I'm scared of doing anything, EVEN THOUGH I KNOW that I'd get a "fine", except it would probably be an angry and begrudging "fine" from my current mother and then actually doing the thing would be ruined even if obtained. If I just kept doing that over and over, even in spite of her getting upset repeatedly, how would I know that whatever I was doing was still okay, or that I would actually be doing something wrong? Ignoring alarm bells is exactly how people get hurt, but nobody ever listened to mine even when I expressed them, so I always had to rely on what others told me for what was okay and what wasn't. I end up having to do things even if it feels like they are hurting me. But how they're "hurting me" is just making me angry I had to do something they wanted, not being able to do little things like go out on the town on my own, and most importantly, fantasizing about doing and saying terrible things to others to "get back" at them if I get punished for not "obeying" correctly enough. If I'm angry about having a "good" life because it's not EXACTLY what I want, then don't I deserve to suffer?

I have already fucked up massively in a way that could have gone much worse because of this issue. Basically I kept getting paranoid about hanging out with my college friends and boyfriend because I thought doing so would make my mother yell at me for staying out too late or if she suspected I did stuff I wasn't supposed to, on top of me feeling like they weren't really interested in having me as a close friend since they were content in me never sharing any of their hobbies and me never understanding their conversations, in addition to feeling like my boyfriend's default state wasn't to listen for my needs but to just automatically do whatever he wanted and take my silence or failure to protest as if it was the same as if I had actively initiated it myself. He did tell me to "tell him in the moment" issues instead of saying "fine" and blowing up later, but I never actually did that. Basically I vented and lashed out a lot in the group, over a period of months, until I threatened my boyfriend in a fit of anger from ongoing acute stress from thinking about his effect on my life - I specifically did it so he'd face the same suffering I thought I would feel if "he" somehow "ruined" my life. I am lucky that nobody from the group decided to retaliate by attempting to contact my family, since my boyfriend was the only one with my dad's number, and he was the most vehement about not involving police. Needless to say, my boyfriend broke up with me a little after and I got upset he didn't talk to me again fast enough, so I vague-posted on social media until he blocked me.

Before doing so, he asked me for therapy, and I refused therapy because he specifically wanted me to ask my parents to pay for it. I thought if I did, my mom would get upset like, "What happened to you that was so important and bad that you can't even tell us about it?" in an offended way, or "Oh, so we're so insufferable that you need therapy to deal with us?" Then I saw myself enduring one of two outcomes. Either one, my venting behaviors would get worse towards him in this new environment that would start resembling my old one that he'd leave me and nullify the entire point of me going to therapy in the first place. Or, I'd blame him so hard that I'd end up hurting him, myself, and/or my family. Even after I said I would go, I wasn't good about actually following through. I ended up getting into it myself properly through my own pocket in a delusional mindset of it getting him to stay with me after he would talk to me again. Months later, my mom brought it up herself anyway because I was acting weird and it was "scaring her" and a certain incident was the last straw. A cat pissed on a pillow so I took a picture and showed my sister instead of taking care of it directly myself, and my retroactive explanation for myself was either I thought I'd somehow take care of it wrong, or I would be infringing on my sister's "property" so I did nothing. Currently my foster mother seems fine with me having virtual appointments.

At the same time, both of my therapists have said that I shouldn't be letting her feelings dictate my life. The main thing she gets upset about is me not doing chores well, and has seemingly implied before that I will basically have a miserable adulthood, or at least be a leech of an adult if I never learn how to properly clean. I do it enough now that such outbursts are infrequent, but not impossible. Aside from the incident today, of course. Other times it's about communication, like somehow treating her like she's stupid, or texting about an emergency situation to wait for a response passively instead of immediately banging on someone's bedroom door. If it's about things that are as important as that, then why shouldn't I let her feelings dictate how I feel? Wouldn't I be neglecting myself and important matters otherwise? But I remember getting upset when called out, which would sometimes even cause my lashing out to my friends. And at times I'd resolve if things got bad enough, I'd somehow make their lives hell in return.

If I'm so dangerous because of my reactions, and so incapable from the fact I still have to be told daily house stuff sometimes and don't live alone, then how could both of my mothers, and the peers who didn't like me, and sometimes even teachers have been wrong? Doesn't that just mean they had a point in restricting who I could talk to, what I could do, and what they could actually take seriously out of my own mouth? How am I supposed to know where the direction of cause-and-effect lies? How could they all be wrong if it was so consistent across environments? Was I made into someone like this, or was I just always this way? If they were all right, then doesn't that mean my feelings were always wrong and it's just an issue of accepting how things are supposed to be?

But my mom also said something else very interesting too, today, coincidentally. She mentioned how one of her friends would get worked up, in a way that sounded like she was describing this woman having a panic attack, under certain conditions, so my mom apparently learned to act differently around this woman, which implies MAYBE she could be sympathetic to me? it's worth noting she has the suicide number on the inside of our front door, but has never brought it up to me. More importantly, she said something about how a certain place she was going for was "unhealthy" for her because "it was making her act bitchy." This is important for 2 reasons. One, am I allowed to say that i didn't like being with my original friend group even though I didn't make an effort to get into their hobbies, and that the better option would have been to leave even if I didn't try? Two, at what point am I allowed to think that she is unhealthy for me, versus accepting that I am the problem?

I am genuinely not sure if I would be permanently hated by my mother if I started asserting myself more, since she's currently "letting me" try to pursue a handmade greeting card business (which she suggested in the first place) so I can do something with my skill for art. So should I allow myself to risk constantly getting screamed at by her just to do what I want, even if it might get in the way of me being an adult like the probable reason she would scream at me in the first place, or should I accept things as they are because of who I am?