20m and no matter how hard i try i don’t see a future

um i’m 20 now and been dealing w this idek what it is, depression, anxiety, adhd everything for the past 4-5 years now. anxiety specifically my whole life. was bullied growing up, moved from state to state all the time. never really had many friends and always was quiet and shy. got into highschool and going my first two real relationships and got cheated on twice. while still in highschool i built a cocaine addiction so bad i tried overdosing and told my mom i was gonna cut my throat in front of her. went to rehab and it’s been a little past a year since that. no matter what nothing excites me like it used to. nothing seems fun or even making me want to do anything. moved to washington after highschool and left everyone. living w my parents still. i have a gf now but there is a wall i can’t bring down no matter what from my past relationships and it stops me from feeling anything. i have 0 emotions. i abuse weed daily. anytime i try thinking of a future i can’t . everyday i have a mind that is going 500mph and it NEVER FUCKING STOPS. I LOTERALLY CANT TAKE MY F BRAIN. i can’t get shit done anymore, my parents fight 24/7 which doesn’t help. i cat move out because i have no money. i start a job here soon but i dont want to be working for the rest of my life. idk my brain hurts all the time. i cant rest. i can never relax. most of the time i just want out of this life. i don’t feel like im me. this isn’t my body. nothing makes sense anymore. if i see my life as a failure alr. everything is dark 24/7 . i can’t open up to my gf because she’ll cheat or leave like the rest. but i can’t keep dealing w this on my own. i’ve gone to therapy ive talked to others nothing helps. i miss my brother as he still lives in a different state . my grandma isnt doing the best. i do not see a reason at all to keep going. idk i see myself and see a disappointment and failure. i cry everyday and every night.most days i j want to relapse and take away everything in my head. is there a way to cut a brain out of your head and still work? i don like my brain i dont like my life. he person in my head is 100 different people and its all different. my mood and personality is different every f day and i cant stand it. i dont know im so fucked up is there any fixing