I don’t really understand who I am or why I am the way I am

I must add, I have unfortunately wrote this sort of disorganized for which I apologize as I cannot really focus on making this that detailed at the moment.

How come I don’t stay consistently in a steady mood for a long period of time even if I’m performing my daily obligations or sticking to a routine (albeit sometimes loosely). I’m steadfast with prayers but it feels like a drag. I make sure to keep a clean hygiene (brush twice, shower twice, skincare, grooming myself etc), exercise daily, have a laugh with friends and take some time watching something or doing something that I enjoy and love by myself but my mental state won’t budge. And then there will come times where I could sleep less and have energy to exercise, be really engaged with friends, eager to converse with strangers, prayers seem meaningful, feel like finding a romantic partner is worth pursuing (though I don’t make much effort or get the chance to do so) and I would get bored because I got so much extra time on my hands without having nothing to do. It might sound like I’m bipolar on a surface level but I’m pretty sure I’m not because it’s very easy to distinguish the disorder.

Prior to the person I am today, 2 years ago (Jan 2024) I had been depressed for 6 years (Jan 2019- Jan 2024) and at that point I had a weird anxious/nervous breakdown from an incident which lead me to attempt offing myself multiples time the same month (Jan 2024) while being energized for no reason (other than to show face to people that I was fine I guess) in between. I’ve carried on with my life without any medication or therapy after being better by my own (after December 2024). Specifically I got better after my grandfather’s death (March 2025) which I describe as “my sorrows went away with him”.

I do have very low self esteem, body image issues, somewhat anxiety related to the perception of how others think of me. I thought I got ahold of it but sometimes it creeps up. It has come to surface now once again. As I write this I’m regretting my decision for taking the time to write and post this. I feel as if this won’t do me any good, nor would people would read it.

But I guess what I’m trying to say is I’m having a difficult time trying to understand myself. I feel as if I will never know who I am. I got a psychological diagnosis on December 2024. It said I have Borderline Personality Disorder yet I have fine relationships with people. I feel like I don’t have anything (maybe ADHD but not really) since I got better without much therapy as I only went for only 6 months, once a week and that was unofficial and we had our sessions in a restaurant and she sees herself as a life coach but she was very helpful. I feel like death is not even the solution. I just feel lost. I feel ungrateful for being here while I consciously know things worked out. Yet, I feel not great, for a lack of a better phrase. I would love a solution though. Or a direction in life I guess.But I feel like I’m doomed. And I truly believe that.