Near Death Experience

I recently had a near death accident, and it got me thinking, how when I thought I was going to die I just blanked and God was neither on my mind nor his words at the tip of my tongue.

I’ve never been very religious, never thought of converting or forsaking my religion, but sometimes, I think I have implicitly forsaken it. I don’t really pray, fast, go to church much, or practice.

My parents were never really church goers when I was a child so, I either went alone or didn’t at all. I didn’t have much of a church community due to being a kid on my own. By time, I stopped going myself. It’s been upwards of 15 years and the number of times I had communion and/or confession is less than 5 times combined, I think.

A friend of mine thought maybe it was because I never found much warmth in the church I used to attend, and not too long ago (before the accident) invited me to their church. I was reluctant at first, but eventually went. I ended up going a couple more times. However, I struggled with relating to the people there and felt like an outsider and that I didn’t belong. Most Christian communities in Egypt have this manner by which make you feel like an outsider, even when they preach how accepting and welcoming they are. I stopped going eventually.

What confuses me every time is, during the sermon, I cry. I think to myself I’m a terrible person and that I’m definitely going to hell. Everything ticks me off and I can’t stop the waterworks.

As soon as I leave, poof. It’s all gone. I go back to doing the same bullshit I usually do and it’s hard for me to go back again.

It’s the same way with the conferences and camps. I go and I cry and I feel like I want to be as blissfully ignorant and without much thought worship God. I keep thinking to myself why does it come so easy for them but I can’t bring myself to be like them? Why am I not like them?

And just like church, as soon as I leave camp, I’m back to the old me. Sure, I spend the couple of days after, forcing myself to read a chapter of the Bible each day, but that really only lasts a couple of days. I’m not sure what I’m doing wrong and why I don’t have as much faith.

I always hear here and there how God’s light shone upon someone and how miracles happen where someone who's so far away from God becomes the most Godly person. Why can’t it be me? What am I doing wrong? Why can’t I want to worship? And most importantly what happens after I die?