Really feeling like I am the problem and deserve to be alone

I’ve been having a hell of a tough time the past year and I’m really struggling tonight. My mother died Jan 8 from lung cancer that had spread to her brain and I went through her messages tonight and I’ve seen many where she was talking bad about me. I knew my mom did this but reading it really hurts. I know I’m not the greatest person but I try to be kind, considerate, fair, good, caring. I’ve just always struggled with that with my since my teen years though.

My mom used me as her emotional support my entire childhood and even up until she passed and I’m 23. She raised me in a severely verbally and mentally abusive household. She always parentified me and I grew to resent her. But I also still love her. She was my mom and I adored her more than anything as a kid. I wanted to be like her as a kid even though she was severely depressed because I loved her so much.

I was such a caring and kind kid. I was shy outside my immediate family but I was good and caring. I hated people hurting. But now I’ve felt like a robot for years. I can’t help feeling like I deserved my mom talking bad about me to her friends. Like I’m truly this terrible person who should just do and be what everyone else wants from me.like I should get a lobotomy, completely fix my BPD so I can be the perfect daughter, the perfect woman because I’ll never be with this disorder.

And I feel it’s my own fault I have this disorder. That I brought it upon myself because I’m so awful. Like me wanting a mom normal people have is wrong of me. Like I should’ve just accepted my role expected by my family of tending to the adults like my cousins. Like I should’ve been okay with it so I could be loved and accepted.

And I mean I don’t even have any friends anymore so I have to be this awful person. I’ve viewed everything as defending myself when I felt left out or wronged. Tried to be nice about it when communicating except when I’d split on my mom because she pushed me. But I’d always go back calmer, try again. Tried to help my mom when I could which wasn’t much because I can’t even care for myself. I hated how she relied on me but I feel like I shouldn’t because her friends seem to think I’m spoiled, immature and selfish. That my mom had it harder so I should’ve taken care of her. I feel like I somehow should’ve forced myself to because I have no one and she had people who cared for her. Maybe I really am this awful person and my brain is convincing me otherwise. I’m the common denominator here. I feel crazy and so alone. I don’t feel like I deserve to be alive at all and I should’ve been what was expected. I feel like I can’t trust my judgement or my mind anymore when I thought I had a decent sense of morals.