Before 18

‎Just a few days before I turn 18. Didn't plan to live past it. I thought of ending it before I hit 18 countless time. I Cant imagine myself living past it. Ive just follow the flow of life right up til this point still.

‎Right after highschool, I work a while before continuing higher study. Where I'll be doesn't matter. When I was choosing the coursework I simply choose without any thinking. Well I do want to be engineer cus it sound cool. But when it come up to choose what kind. I lay eyes on civil engineering cus whatever. I guess because it can benefit with helping developing the country in the future. Such a joke. I still study diligently to get good grades. Late night study to understand materials.

‎I have money saved to use for the future. Shows to catch-up. Buyed games to play. Hobby to try pursued. it might seem confusing. Why do I have this interest when I'm not planning to live past 18? Well ig I dream of this things but not dreaming of myself doing it. I Cant see myself past 18. What I'll be, what I'll do, where I'll be. So why? Why? Why? Why? Why? I can't understand myself.

‎Lately I been having wild mood changes. Happy and then sad and back to happy and repeat. Does it bcs it will end in few days?

‎If I sell my remaining lifespan what will it be valued at? How does life even valued? I it how I contribute for myself? For others? For the society? Well even so I think it'll be extremely cheap. Atleast I can used that money to spent before It end. Or I can put it in the saving. Hah saving? Really? For who?

‎How do other thinks of me. Will my family mourn me? Will my friend be sad? Do they remember my birthday? What will they think if I do go? Wll they be suprise? Or just as expected? Ig they'll be suprise. I think I've hidden this part of me really well. Just few days ago I make edits of us friends hanging out. I go to my family event. I try to download game that I'm interested in a while. Cash out few hundreds out of savings. Is it the last spurt of joy/memory I'm giving them?

‎Going back to the question. How much is my life valued at? Accounting the avg person income-spending. Times by avg remaining lifespan. is that how life get valued? What if my last few days have more valued than my remaining years?

‎Hahhhh.... I don't know. I guess even if I'm not planning to live past 18. I still have plan. I Try to enjoy life? I think. Well that's about it ig. Thanks and sorry to whoever that have wasted their time reading this.