Hey, I (27f) am not into AA. I went through a nasty divorce that was finalized in August. We separated in November of 2024, and I got full custody of our then 6 month old son. I got a pretty nice divorce settlement when the divorce was finalized and pretty much immediately got addicted to cocaine. I never drank when I was on coke, but I crashed out really bad for three months. I was lucky to get 15 hours of sleep a week, and my family and friends noticed. My parents took my son (thank god) and at that point I started hallucinating. I was still working, but showed up to a super important work function high on cocaine and mushrooms  after not sleeping for 5 days and spending all my time in the woods basically being a crackhead. My boss told me if I didn’t got to rehab I was going to be fired. I totaled my Jeep out in the middle of the wilderness and am lucky to be alive. I went to rehab two days later. Rehab and I also didn’t vibe. I did not like surrendering my autonomy and had zero trust in the institution. They kicked me out after three weeks and I immediately went from Rehab to the car dealership and then right to the bar. I started drinking all day and night right away. The first time I went back to my house after leaving rehab, there was cocaine everywhere, but I flushed it all and am now 119 days clean.  I totaled my second Jeep while drunk  in the middle of the woods 24 days ago. I hit six trees and timbered a seventh. I started panicking, buried my beer in the ground with my hands, and was planning on scratching the vin off my car and burying the license plate. I stopped because I realized that’s what a crackhead would do and there’s no reason for me to do that (plus I thought it was probably illegal, and it most certainly is). I looked at my car and knew that I was done. I was done with this lifestyle. I was going to die, go to jail, or kill somebody else and then go to jail. 

I walked out of the hospital after the second accident and right into an AA meeting. I found a sponsor a few days later and started working the steps. My parents have been taking me to AA meetings my entire life and I went to it in Rehab, so aim familiar with it. However, when I actually started doing it, I have some serious, fundamental disagreements with its philosophy. 

1. I do not understand how it is not a religion. Just because they don’t subscribe to any specific higher power, doesn’t mean anything. According to them, belief in a higher power is a requirement for sobriety, and they have a very clear set of rules and beliefs. It basically relies on missionary work ( carrying this message to the fellow alcoholic) to sustain itself. 

2. I do not believe that my higher power removed my desire to quit drinking. I think fear did that. I did that. My actions and their consequences scared me so badly that I was able to see reason and clarity for long enough to realize that I was throwing my life (and my son’s life) away. 

3. Reflecting on your alcoholism or addiction everyday in the way that is supposed to be “humbling” and “grounding” is actually shame and fear based. I don’t like how they teach that shame and guilt come from active addiction, but not sobriety (which they only believe has been achieved after completion of the steps). Reflecting on your shortcomings daily is fucking depressing

4 Keep coming back. Why? To keep listening to people talk about how God saved them? According to the Bid Book, I am a true agnostic, yet my desire to drink and drug has been removed. There is clearly more than one answer. Also, they talk about how having the desire to drink being removed is like the end all be all goal, and not a temporary state of being. Almost all of them have had that desire come back at some point. Their answer? God removed it again or they started drinking again. 

24 days, don’t vibe with AA