Emotionally drained

So tired of this game. At this point I think she is just LL4M. I’ve talked about how I miss making out, said no strings attached, just pure blissful kissing. Nothing, first time in a while we got to bed and none of our 3 kids tried to get in our bed (2,6,9). I attempted at initiating she pulled back. I told her we should take advantage of it on the rare occasion it’s just us in our bed, “why would we do that?.”

Why would we do that? I don’t know maybe because we are in the prime of our lives, we’ve been married for a decade+ and we love each other?

I’m so exhausted from this bs, it’s a yo-yo rollercoaster. She gives initiated affection, like hugs or touch or hand holding, but not sex. This morning, just us in bed so I foolishly tried again, started with massages, which she enjoyed and didn’t stop, pushed for more, and got shut down again. None of this is normal, and I hate that I am stuck here living a life I don’t want.