Racing thoughts just need to get it out

It’s really fucking messy we both cheated on each other,in different ways,but eh it still happened.

But outside of that this person genuinely makes me so happy. Maybe it’s not happiness maybe it’s obsession i don’t know really to be honest it’s confusing. My mind and thoughts race the entire day with my mindset about him changing minute by minute. Still the obsessive type of thoughts just they keep on switching from obsessively negative to overly positive. I’m clearly not mentally stable,haven’t been for a big while,i have shit coping mechanisms (be it sh,ed,drinking,drugs,sex,fuck it u name it everything under the umbrella!!!). There was an incident recently where i thought shit it’s over there isn’t a way to salvage this. Ended up binge drinking and got really drunk,sometimes when i’m drunk,especially if alone,my suicidal/self harming/depressive thoughts come out a lot more easily,sometimes even manifest to me actually acting on the urges. I ended up self harming. Sucks cuz i actually managed to be clean for over 6 months. At least cutting wise,i still find other ways to do it that aren’t as noticeable (scratching,slapping,punching myself,shit like that). Somehow the “relationship” or whatever the fuck it is at this point is somewhat savable,now i feel very embarrassed of the cuts. I don’t want him to see them. I don’t want him to think it was to manipulate him or make him feel bad/guilty in any way. I don’t share with anyone when i sh. Maybe 2 people know about the fact i used to struggle with it/or that i still do,and those are people that share similar struggles and shit coping mechanisms as me. I don’t really know if i should just hide them completely until they heal or what. Idfk. I actually want to fix this shitty relationship. If it doesn’t work out i won’t beat myself up about it (hahahha pun intended in a way LOL! ). But uhh yeah just needed to get this out. As much as i wish this guy the worst,possibly am just staying to get revenge in some way as i just do wanna see him suffer,i also really care for him and love him. Even just wish for both of us to get better. Both as people. Or just out of shitty situations that we’re under. This is all so confusing. I’m clean right now,not on drugs nor alcohol,but i genuinely feel like i’m on something hahshshahsh Like my mind is just doing way too much kinda wish for it to stfu but at the same time it’s nice for my brain to work for once after being stuck in a depressive state for half a year-year. IDKKKK DUDES AND GALS the feeling i have right now is like ah everything sucks everything doesn’t matter so much that it’s great i feel powerful finally after being so weak and powerless for months