You Made Music Hurt

Hey you ..

You might never know this, but literally every song makes me cry. It doesn't matter what it is.

My son is going through a Christmas music kick..But it just reminds me of putting up the Christmas tree this year. I was talking to you the whole time. My mom called, I bragged about you to her on the phone. You sent me a picture of yourself that night I stared at it for so long as Bad Religion's Christmas album played in the background. Long distance was hard but it was so worth it. I couldn't wait to physically be where you were but a picture would suffice until then.

Don't get me started on my favorite album. I can't even turn it on. It reminds me of staring out my window waiting for your arrival after two weeks of missing you. it reminds me of jumping into your arms when you arrived, crying happy tears that I was finally in my safe place. It reminds me of you just holding me on the couch telling me how much you loved me, how you were never going anywhere and how we could never let this much time pass without seeing each other again as Tiger's Jaw's Spin album played in the background.

We used to send each other songs... We made each other entire playlists. There are bands I don't think I'll ever listen to again because I associate them with you and it hurts. I even hear the name Dance Gavin Dance and my face starts leaking.

Shit, music that I don't even associate with you has me in shambles. Yesterday on the way to Erie it seemed like every song had a message or melody that brought me to tears. I really didn't know I could cry to Alkaline Trio but there I was listening to my favorite band and sobbing.

Music is supposed to be my refuge but it's become my saboteur. Every melody, every line... It all comes back to you and it all hurts.

I didn't think I would ever have to miss you. You promised me forever. You promised! I didn't think i'd ever have to get over someone again. I didn't think you would ever leave. I put my entire future in your hands.

Remember that night in my room, listening to my playlist..we were laying in my bed, my head on your chest, your fingers running through my hair. You held me and said you wanted to do this every night for the rest of your life. You told me we were forever. You asked me what my ideal wedding looked like.. You told me you wanted to be a part of my family. I never thought in a million years that a month later you'd change your mind.

My favorite songs hurts. My favorite memories hurt. My favorite pictures hurt. I've never felt so hopeless. I have been through heartbreak before but this is different. You've made music hurt.. I don't know that I'll recover from this.

I miss you and the soundtrack to our lives..