All I Wanted or Resemblance of..

Its been a little bit since Ive made a public journal & the brain is well over stimulated tonight. It looks like tonight maybe the night I dive in again. Hear we go again, I suppose.

At this point in my life it isnt even a "I guess" or a "Maybe I wanted." Its a definate too " All I ever wanted." That was a partner to call home, a family that I could call my own, someone that wanted to expand our family and give one or two siblings to my own two, a safe space to lay at night and a home full of love and beautiful memories.

Ive never known that feeling and I was deprived of it within my own family growing up. I had only seen it from a distance or at sleep overs at friends places. I know everyone has there own version of it but pretty plain and simple, thats all I ever want deep down.

As I get more comfortable into my 30s, Im starting to feel like it may never be something I attain. How do I put it bluntly...Like, that life was never meant for me, that Im just not that person to be deserving of such a precious thing.

I said it in one of my previous entries but I feel like Im the person that walks into peoples lives to correct their course. Weather my effect has been positive or negative, like Im always the lesson. That realisation, become a little heavy to wear on the heart and carry..but as alot of things Ive realised. They become easier to carry.

I know Im never going to be the perfect boyfriend, husband, co-parent, father, friend and etc..It kind of feels like Ive become my father or at least slowly starting to become that person I said I would never become. Surely enough Im heading right in that direction and I dont know how to correct this course.

I know I need a women who can give me a whats up but also be gentle with me. I know a few that are more than interested in me but I cant go there bcoz I wont settle for a basic bitch that I kno will add more stress and BS than Im prepared to deal with.

Im not really sure how to be vulnerable with people anymore either. That piece, feels like its buried with a piece of my heart I know Ill never get back. That person is literally the benchmark for any future relations. But how the fuck can anyone even compete with someone, I thought beyond the fucking universe of?

Simple answer; you cant.

Its not even a comparison thing either. Its like they kick-started my heart when it felt most abandoned, Like ill never experience a first date like that again. Looking at someone and having your heart and soul feeling things it never felt before...

A beautiful experience–until it wasnt, thats for sure. Too put how Im feeling right now, wouldnt be broken, depressed or anything like that but in a state of constant auto pilot. Not living–Not dying just present. Present with all my experiences, memories & traumas. Present with all that I feel I am, working on myself and issues.

Another bloke in todays day and age wondering what his purpose is...