ashamed of my narcolepsy

i hate it. i go to church and have the worst cataplexy with violent head drops/shakes. my mom is embarrassed of me to be like this. working 48 hours a week on day and night as a nurse is already too much to manage but im afraid ill spend the rest of my life just treading by. it sucks. i try and try to live a normal life and somehow it still isn’t enough even for the people around me. i swear being diagnosed with bpd also makes me feel this just because of how agreeable i am when im exhausted. i agree just to agree because i can’t take the time to care about things. i am scared for the day when i cant appear high functioning. i am so tired, literally and metaphorically.