I'm struggling to make it to Easter Vigil as a catechumen.

I feel like from the moment I began showing a genuine interest in Catholicism, my algorithm has pushed far-right content heavily. I started listening to The Catechism in a Year and The Way of the Fathers, which are both as neutral as they come. Spotify starting dumping recommendations for authors like Carrie Gress (Anti-Mary Exposed) almost immediately.

I grew up in the Church of Christ, so I was actually really moved by just how much grace & dignity there is to be found as a woman in the Catholicism. Lately, my head has been a total mess though.

I feel really hesitant to bring up my doubts during OCIA sessions, or privately with my director/sponsor, because there have been some occasional dog whistles that make that sort of vulnerability feel unsafe. Like how wonderful it is to hear this new influx of converts sharing their desire for "men to be men, and women to be women."

Sexuality has been a huge struggle for me. I don't mean a personal struggle over sexual orientation, but the procreative/unitive nature of sex, and this sort of Christianese language around agape love in marriage. People make marriage sound so utilitarian, and despite the opposite claim, the way some Catholics speak about women's pleasure sounds so belittling. I feel like I'm white-knuckle gripping my human dignity over here.

Sorry for the rant, but I feel like I'm metaphorically limping to my confirmation.