I feel so ugly I don't deserve to exist

I cannot stop obsessing over my appearance. Every thought circles back to my face, my body, every tiny detail I think is wrong. The last time I felt this consumed by my looks was high school, when I was constantly called ugly, pale, ghost-like. Those words stuck and rewired the way I see myself. I carried them everywhere, like a weight I couldn’t put down.

Back then I would spend hours in front of the mirror dissecting every flaw. I would trace every line, every curve, every imperfection, searching for proof that something about me was fundamentally wrong. I wouldn’t leave my room when I felt ugly. I avoided eye contact because I was sure people would be uncomfortable looking at me. I became trapped in my own reflection, and nothing else seemed real.

For a while I thought I healed. I liked my face. I focused on my personality, on who I was beyond how I looked. I stopped obsessing so much. I believed I could live freely, enjoy life, feel human again. But now I’m slipping back. I’m back to constantly analyzing, back to feeling like my body and face are fundamentally wrong. I can’t focus on studies hobbies, workouts, or even time with my family. Every moment that I try to just exist, my mind pulls me back to the same thought: my face is vile and it ruins everything.

I tell myself that once I fix my appearance I’ll finally be happy. But deep down I know that even if I changed everything, my mind would find something new to hate. I hate that something as simple as a face controls so much of my life. I hate that I can’t stop caring this much. I hate the exhaustion of hating myself every single day, the gnawing sense that I am not enough, the constant loop I cannot escape.

I feel vile. I feel unworthy. I feel like I don’t deserve to exist. I am trapped in my own head, exhausted by a reflection I cannot forgive, haunted by the version of myself that I thought I left behind but is now back, louder, and merciless. And I don’t know if I will ever escape this loop or if I am doomed to feel ugly and unlovable forever.