Worried about having kids

I have always wanted to be a mom and have started discussions with my husband about family planning.

I’ve noticed over the past 2-3 years as some of my friends have started having kids, I developed intrusive thoughts about dropping their babies when I hold them. It got to the point where I just stopped asking to hold them, or when they hand them to me, I would pass them off to someone else after a few minutes.

There were a few times I had thoughts of something horrible happening to them, like them getting run over or mauled by a dog. It’s like their fragility makes me so scared that I am going to hurt them in some way.

I also have an ongoing fear that I am losing my mind. Never have I once hallucinated or had a serious delusion. But if i’m under a lot of stress or sleep deprived, I worry that “this is the day I enter psychosis.”

So now I am so worried about developing post partum psychosis and hurting my baby. I’m not even pregnant yet. I have always dreamed of becoming a mother and raising children, and I know I would never willingly do any harm.

Has anyone else ever gone through this? I’m feeling so crazy and like a bad mom already. And the thought of sharing these intrusive thoughts with anyone makes me feel so ashamed.