Hitting my head

I was diagnosed with OCD at a very young age and I think with that my brain kinda minimized it. Also seeing it portrayed in media as making sure the light switch is flipped 5 times made me feel like mine was in some way invalid because I didn’t do those things. I’ve now come to realize how much mine truly affects m, especially as of late. I’m now finally deciding to get help. I guess I’m just very interested in how inaccurate OCD is portrayed to how it actually is. Granted, it’s different for everyone. But I feel like a lot of the times it’s played for laughs and lighthearted as opposed to just depression (not trying to invalidate either obviously there are a million different ways for them to be expressed). Up until recently I didn’t see my picking my skin till it’s infected and gushing blood as an issue. I didn’t see me constantly worrying about how I look and trying to be presentable with a lengthy regimen, constantly staring at any reflective surface, as a problem. I got a boob job at 18 thinking that it would help that lol. And I didn’t understand why I would hit my head when trying to express myself to my partner even though I can see the pain it causes him. I realize now that it’s because my brains going down this never ending spiral and how could I express that? So I hate myself for making him upset when it’s no one’s fault. I’ve always felt like my mental illness was wrong, I watched things like girl interrupted and felt detached because when I’m upset I’m hitting myself and ugly unlike the characters in that movie. That being said I think I’m finally starting to near the end of the spiral and finally seeing some light. I finally have hope that I can get better. You guys can too.

Sorry for the rambling I just wanted to organize my thoughts lol.