Grief that i can never make people understand my reality

I was in a really really really bad place a couple of months ago. Self disorder goin absolutely crazy but i had no words to explain what was happening. My life was going well. I have a couple of sweet friends and an amazing partner. Im studying something im invester in and that there is definately money in.

I found myself going around smiling and laughing and 'doing everything right' but i always felt cavernous. Like I was not me, or that my experience of the world was off compared to other people. It ended in me being hospitalized for a couple of days (until I realized the nurses/doctors didnt know what to do with me either) and a month< off from my studies. In that time i learned a lot about ipseity and self disorder.

Ive been feeling this for as long as I can remember. I always wondered why I wasnt 'me'. Ive written countless different metaphors and ramblings in my teen diaries trying to get the feeling onto paper. "I feel like im in a coma, like im in a dream, like im a clone of the real me, like im trapped in my own brain, like theres a filter on everything, like im made out of play-dough, like the world doesnt concern me, etc etc etc" I think i even wrote a post about it on here. I told multiple professionals who all dismissed me.

One day efter the hospitalization i was talking to my partner, and I said that I felt sad because I didnt really feel part of the 'shared reality' that everyone else seems to be part of. He replied "but you are very much real". I got really upset because it reminded me a lot about me telling my doctor that I didnt feel real and him replying with "do you actually believe that you arent real?"

LIKE UGHHHHHH NO I DONT BELIEVE IT, ITS WHAT IM EXPERIENCING. IT IS REAL BECAUSE IT IS MY REALITY ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID

All this to say that I think I need to find peace in my reality never being validated by others. People arent really willing to understand that experience is what creates (subjective) reality, and that my experience of reality is statistically different.

I think I felt so hurt by my partners respons because it felt like he didnt get that it wasnt the content of my experience i was arguing, it was the experience itself. I felt even more sad and lonely after. I cried a bunch when I git to be alone. Just over the accumulation of dismissal of my reality. It sucks.

This is also an attempt at finding people who 'get' how isolating ipseity disturbance feels. I wish someone had told me that it was even a thing. Like I thought that I was just failing at dpdr/dissociation or that I was lying to get attention BECAUSE THATS WHAT I WAS TOLD

So yea no conclusion just shouting into the void for some empathy or understanding