I volunteer at a crisis textline and experienced the worst case scenario. TW: Suicide

I can’t go into too much detail because of confidentiality, but this texter was already in the process of it and wanted someone to talk to before they ended it. I keep reading over the conversation and trying to see if I could have done anything better. At one point in the conversation it became really clear that they were dead set on it and then I just focused on providing comfort, but I don’t even think it helped. At the end they sent a last message thanking me for my time and to say goodbye, and then my messages weren’t sending anymore. Until emergency services arrived, I kept sending follow-up messages in the chat like my supervisor told me to just in case. Then emergency services arrived and they said I could close the conversation. It was the first caller I got on shift that day and I couldn’t go on so I decided to log off for the night. I told my supervisor I would take a break for a while, and I don’t know if I can come back to this job.

I’ve always been interested in a career as a first responder, but this made me doubt whether I can handle it. I can act competently in the moment under extreme pressure, but the aftermath is a mess, and I ended up going to therapy for the first time in my life. I couldn’t sleep the entire night after that conversation and I just wandered around outside in the cold until my friend invited me over to binge-watch a show with her.

Later I received an email from my supervisor giving me positive feedback on how I handled the conversation. The subject line read “Congratulations!” which set me off because what on earth were they congratulating me for? They really need to change the feedback templates to match the context. I know the supervisors who work there are just trying to be optimistic but I also get the sense that the only way to cope is through denial. The site is full of testimonies from texters whose lives were saved from immediate crisis support, and I’ve gotten this feedback too, but it makes me feel worse to read through it all after the complete failure of a conversation I had that night. Rationally I know that this outcome isn’t a reflection of my skill as a crisis responder, but I used to take pride in my ability to help people and now I feel like I can’t do that anymore because it feels tainted.

I’m not a very emotional person so I can’t let it out by crying. I’ve just been trying to forget what happened and continue on going to class but it’s impossible to focus. I keep analyzing the conversation in my head and trying to figure out if there were any weak spots. Every time I think about the circumstances and the pain they were feeling, I get upset, so I focus on seeing what I could have done better instead. It has been nearly a week since the event and I still don’t know what to do about it. It feels like everything is so insignificant and I can’t find the motivation to keep up with school or even enjoy my hobbies. My birthday was 2 days before the night of the conversation and it feels like it happened months ago.

I’m seeing the same therapist again tomorrow, so hopefully that will help. Sorry for the long rant. If there are any fellow crisis/first responders who would like to share some advice, I would be very grateful to hear it.