rant

im so done with everything about being trans. this is my fourth year since I started questioning my gender, but I everything is just going worse. I cant do anything, I cant buy a binder (my mom doesn't let me and im a minor) and that is fucking killing me, i hate my chest, I really do, a sport bra does not work, neither two, or even three, and I have to go to school soon, id would buy it myself but the good ones are expensive and I literally dont have a dollar, and my mom would find out any way. I cant cut my hair bcs my mom doesn't let me, and it's really long, so I just cry over that. my voice is so fucking feminine, I don't even want to talk bcs of that, and I love talking and singing. im fucking short, even for a girl. I have fucking wide hips also. I cant buy clothes (I have one fucking pair of jeans) and I cant stop wearing makeup bcs I feel ugly without it. my mindset is involuntary homophobic and transphobic, to the point I fucking hate myself for liking pink or purple stuff. I like girls and guys, and I hate when i like a guy bcs Im so short compared to most guys and I feel like a fucking femboy next to them. I also hate liking girls bcs for some reason everyone in my school is fucking mean?? and I want to be taller than them and IM NOT