No one checks on me unless I'm actively going nuts

Not sure where else to post this so here it goes.

I (23F) have had a very hard life. Mental illness,childhood abuse,sexual trauma,zero stability as a child. I suffer from several diagnosed mental illnesses which heavily impact my ability to enjoy life(two anxiety disorders, a mood disorder and a personality disorder which I won't go in depth on here).

Right now I'm going through a really bad depressive episode and even though I know my perception is skewed rn I cant stop thinking about the fact that none of my friends check up on me or ask if I'm genuinely okay unless i act like a nutcase,which i dont really do anymore because ive learned ways to control my behavior,if not my spiralling thoughts. Even when i tell people that I'm having genuine thoughts of ending myself,they just ask why even though they KNOW why,and i end up rehashing it,and all i get is a "sorry you feel that way".

Dont get me wrong,none of my friends are bad people,and they do try to be there for me. But its frustrating never having people check up on me unless i literally tell them i wanna not be alive anymore.

i dont even need anyone to say the perfect thing or whatever. I just wanna pour my heart out,have them validate my feelings and confirm to me that im not a useless failure of a person. Thats it. I just wanna talk. I just want someone to listen and be there for me and be there with me in the moment like i always am for others.

Im in so much pain and I obviously dont WANNA do something reckless,but back when i was really unstable and chaotic(ages 14-21) people were always attentive and worried about me. Reached out to me to check in. I miss that. i miss the feeling of someone stopping,thinking about me and reaching out just to see if im okay.

And yes like I said earlier I know my thinking is distorted rn. And yes I know i should be in therapy. I can't afford to go the private route bc im financially supporting both myself and my disabled mother on a retail salary,and government help is out of the question because in my country theyre utterly useless.

I guess I just needed some place to get all this bitterness off my chest. Anyways. Please dont be mean or judgemental in the comments,any scolding you wanna give me ive probably already given myself.