Everyone who ever posted the thing that is my central trigger should just fucking die

I feel so embarrassing posting this thing, I'm probably going to regret it. I'm so fucking tired of this shit I fucking swear. I feel like I wanna grab a knife and slit my fucking throat. Oh my God I swear this anger. I feel like I wanna grab a pen and slide it on my scars from self harm so that I can contract a fucking infection. I wanna start cutting myself at least once a day because of these bitch triggers, these people who manufacture that slop and this anger.

I don't know if it's something like PTSD or if it's undiagnosed BPD. Stop bringing up this fucking massacre and joking about it and glorifying it and who was responsible for it and whatnot. Especially when they joke about it. Especially when they put like, a picture of the event and a fucking anime character, it feels like they're trying to make it, cute and, "based"?@?@?!?!?!?!??×?!?!?!? I hate war criminal/crime apologists and fans of the army who committed that crime. An event in my life happened and it ruined me, and the main stressor joked about this a good count of times and it was one of the things that pissed me off the most during that point.

Now whenever I see something like that, especially a meme, I feel like the person who made it is personally invalidating me and would abuse me, I think to myself, for every person that approves of that behavior, that much people would fucking abuse me for what I'm going through right now and how I react to it. Every fucking day I have memories I don't wanna remember and triggers that claw out the worst out of me at times. When someone posts something like that and triggers me enough, I develop an obsessive grudge for them and I can tend to send them hate comments and rant about my feelings and how their fucking post effected me. I feel like they're fucking personally abusing me - and I can even stop wanting to heal, I get so angry to the point I don't care about healing, just for them to get the fuck away, as in, delete their social medias. My brain's been giving me intrusive thoughts about threatening self harm/suicide to them so that they could delete the triggering content. I don't wanna do that. I just want them to feel remorse. I want them to feel bad. I want them to pay for triggering me. It's already too late, when I see it, it doesn't matter how much I expose myself to it - it's already in my brain. My memory.

I've been invalidated so many times. Only one person that randomly came across me made me feel sane. I want somebody to tell me how they feel sorry for me and to understand my anger for these people. I think I'm gonna go berserk if I see something like that ever again. It's even worse when a girl posts something like that for some reason. I think I'm going to go insane. Living on the Balkans with these people is fucking hell. There is already a number of people on this peninsula that would invalidate me for this. I don't deserve to be on this world. I don't know why I'm saying that when living on this cruel world is not an award at all.