Heart and Soul

Dearest love,

My entire heart and soul ache for you when you're not near. The days are long, the nights are cold and lonely. The silence is deafening. All of me begs for you. When we are apart, you consume my brain, but when we are together, we are no good. We fight and argue, you want trust and acceptance, while I want more than you are willing to give me.

You broke our trust, it's not something so easily regained, you are impatient and so am I. We want everything the way it should be, the way it could be. We tend to forget about the here and now. The number of nights I have laid awake going over every argument, every mistake I made, how I hurt you. I try to learn from them, to grow. I try to show you my progress and my efforts.

When I share my pain and sorrow with you, there is no response, no remorse, no change. You speak of the change, the efforts and such that you have made, however, the results seem to be lacking. I still see so much of the "old" you as you describe it. You want trust but do nothing to earn, instead you lie, you sneak and conceal. How does this gain trust? I hear so many apologizes with little to no action following. If there is effort afterwards, it's fleeting at best.

You tell me how much you love me, promise me the best and forever, that you can handle whatever is coming your way due to past indiscretions. Yet, every argument, every fight recently, you say the same thing. You thought you could but you can't, maybe a better man could. I admit my wrongs, I agree that you deserve more and set you free. The messages that follow are always met with sorrow or more arguments/pleases.

It upsets you when I fight with you but you get upset when I have no more fight to give. You change your story and say you don't want to lose me or leave. This is toxic, can't you see that? Why keep doing this to ourselves. I love you, more than I have ever loved another, but is that enough? Does this pull we have on each other make all of this worth it?

You always play the victim, getting upset at being villainized. No one ever called you the bad guy, you came up with that all on your own. You told me it was time for self-reflection, are you projecting? You only admit the wrongs that you want to admit to. You do not accept all of your own faults so how can i?

I wanted to live together again, you freaked out and more than hesitated. You asked to move in the first time and I happily accepted. I understand not living in a place that I don't even want to be in but that's not what I asked you. I asked you to move with me. You worry so much about getting to future, you continue to push it off and ignore a lot of the now. How is there future in that?

I love you, I truly do, I feel like it might be time to accept this is not going to work. Maybe it really wasn't meant to be, maybe it is wrong timing again. I do not know the reason, the only thing I do know is that my love for you will never leave or disappear. I also know that I want you to be happy and loved the way you want/need. Even if it's not with me. I hope that if we never see each other again, that when you think of me, you remember the kind, loving moments. There were so many.

Love,

Hopeless