Trauma bond with spouse

Salams, I’m planning on ending my marriage but I have some sort of trauma bond with my spouse that I’m unable to let go. has anyone been this situation?

For context I’m 29(f) husband is 30(m) completed 4 years last month. Marriage has been pretty rough since the 3rd month of being married. He drinks, parties goes on benders. he got abusive and still is time to time. He is also an avoidant man. I’m a person where I like to fix the issue then and there and move on from it. He likes to run away and not come home for days until I have to beg him to come home even if the fault is on him. He says I’m the reason he gets violent. Last year he got involved in an extra marital affair physically and night time benders (drinking drugs) and drained our savings that we are still recovering from. Once again he blamed me for it cos I didn’t give him enough attention in the marriage by not accompanying him to places that involved haram. yes before y’all come at me. Yes I knew he “used” to drink and party and now he has changed that’s what he told my dad as well and promised me too before we got married. I was impressed by his honesty and said yes to him.

Everytime he gets physically violent he will come back and apologize and hug and tell me how sorry he is.

I really want to get out of this. But I have some sort of trauma bond with him that I’m unable to.